Friday, August 31, 2007

And the hits just keep on comin'

Yet another friend is pregnant within about two months of trying. I'm sorry, Fertility Gods? Did I do something to piss you off? I mean, fine, my own body has failed me for the past four years, I get that. But why must I be bombarded with tales of my friends getting knocked up with such ease? Seems kinda harsh, frankly. I know I gave you absolutely no thought for the first 30 years of my life, but I think I've kind of made up for it in the past four, don't you? You've had my attention pretty much 24/7 lately. Is it too much? Am I too clingy? I just need to get something from you and I'll back off. I swear. Just a little something to let me know that you know I'm here. Trying. Really fucking hard. Am I trying too hard? Should I be playing hard-to-get? I think it's a little late for that now, but I'll do whatever it takes. I want a baby. Now.

I know my desire for a kid shouldn't grow just because I hear about other people getting pregnant. And it's not that it's growing. It is intensifying, though. And constantly brimming on the surface, ready to reduce me to a blubbering mess at the drop of a hat (or a pg announcement, I guess). I just want it so bad.

Life (and Possibly Death) on the Trail

The Slug Trail, that is. It's possible I will slide right out of my chair, whack my head on the keyboard tray and never be heard from again. If that happens, just know it was nice meeting you a............

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Thursday Follies

Updated with E2 level and more info than an internet-obsessed infertile should ever have.

Well, I had another monitoring appointment this morning and things are moving right along.

RIGHT: 16, 15, 15, 10, 9
LEFT: 17, 15, 15, 12, 11
E2: 840 (sucktastic, right? Dr. Google's not a fan, I tell you.)

Here is a super in depth, and somewhat helpful description of IVF monitoring.

For handy reference, this was the state of things on Tuesday.
RIGHT: 13, 12, 12, 9, 6
LEFT: 14, 13, 12, 11, 9
E2: 704

I'm heading back in tomorrow for what he thinks will be a final check and then I'll probably trigger tomorrow night as planned. Thank god. I need off these drugs. I was doing ok for a while there, but these last few days I have been JACKED UP inside. I've got a permanent headache that becomes debilitating if I so much as lean forward a teeny bit. Bending over to pick up shoes, etc. is excruciating. The worst part - at the risk of TMI - is the gas. Something is dead inside me. It has to be. Just be thankin' your lucky stars that this isn't Smell-O-Net. You wouldn't want to be my friend any more. As offensive as it is to others, it's also really uncomfortable. UGH.

On that note I bid you adieu!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's BA-ACK!

Well, the infertourretes has struck again. I arrive here at ye old temp gig and am not feeling so hot after my morning shots. Most mornings I’ve either eaten right before or after the shots, but this morning I didn’t have time, so that might have contributed to it. Anyway, there’s this chick, D, who sits right near my desk and I can tell that with the person I’m replacing away at Burning Man, D is really jonesing for someone to talk to. She’s only mildly annoying, just one of those people who has to chat a lot. Me? Not so much.

So, surprisingly my icky feeling on the inside is showing on the outside because D happens to notice and asks me about it. I started to play it off as if I’m not a morning person (which? I actually am), but then all of a sudden I’m telling her the whole deal. No idea why, but there it was. Then of course she wants to learn all about it. Apparently she’s got friends who are all “going through the same thing.” But since she asked me a million questions and repeatedly said, “Wow, that is so great that you’re doing that.” I’m pretty certain she don’t know shit because ain’t nothin’ great about it. Once I gave her a good skoolin’ she realized that her friends are just at the Clomid stage. Hopefully for their sakes they won’t have to go any further.

Also she asked me if it was my first one and since I was having some honesty verbal di-di, I said no it’s my second. She goes, “And is your first baby healthy?”

Um… what first baby? I guess she thought – as so many do – that IVF is actual magic and 100% effective. Yeah, not so much. Anyway, it’s always good to educate, right? Occasionally painful and awkward, but good!
I also have to share this amusing anecdote from the wild world of temping… So the woman I’m filling in is the office manager/receptionist at a design firm. (luckily the phone barely rings, or I’d have run screaming on Day 1) Anyway, there is a certain, but not terribly overwhelming design aesthetic to the office except the for the freakish use of yellow. There is yellow EVERYWHERE. All the file folders are yellow, the scissors are yellow, the walls, etc. Gray and black are the accent colors. Now, being in the receptionists’ seat, I’m kind of in the open. Her chair is… you guessed it - YELLOW, and it’s also uncomfortable as shit. There’s this pad that goes across the middle of the seat and it made it all uneven. So I went into the nearby conference room and swapped it out for a black one that appeared to be identical, but had a much less-intrusive pad.

Yesterday I could tell that the firm’s owner was confused by the switch. He was in the conference room trying to figure out “what’s different.” I informed him that I’d swapped them and he headed back into his office with a troubled “Hmmmm.” Then this morning he came out of the room and said, “Now, you know, those two chairs are exactly the same?”

I told him how I’d found the yellow one to be really uncomfortable and he comes back with the same thing, how they’re exactly the same chair. He was so wigged out about it. Bizarre. Needless to say, I’m still sitting in the black one and won’t be changing. He can have his precious yellow one back next week. I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack over it or anything. FREAK!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A nurse, a Pig and an infertile walk into an exam room…

Well, fine, I don’t actually have a joke, but I do have an update, does that count? By the numbers…

RIGHT: 13, 12, 12, 9, 6
LEFT: 14, 13, 12, 11, 9

He didn’t give me any decimals, so we’ll just assume they’re all .9, right?

Oh, the lining is 12, w/ triple stripe pattern and my E2 is 704 (no idea what that even means, but at least I know!)

So this news?

Fan-FUCKING-tastic! Last time I only had five follicles, all in my left ovary. I’m so glad Righty is in the game! That’s probably where all the good eggs were hiding last time ‘round.

I’ll stim for two more days, then go back Thursday morning. He thinks trigger Friday, ER Sunday. And here we go again!

Also, and this is how I know the times, they are a’changin’… Dr. Pig was totally appropriate! It’s a miracle!

So, much thanks to Ms P and Amy R who have nominated me as a rockin’ blogger, even before I shot myself up in a bar bathroom before heading to a rock show!

Anyhoo, at the risk of repeat nominating some peeps, here is my list.

Ms. P herself, who not only writes a great blog, but is one of the best commenters around. I’ve seen her comments on this blog (obviously) and on others and she always seems to know just what to say. To me, that rocks.

Of course I’ve got to give a shout out to my true cyclesista, Leah. She’s got a couple cycles on me, but we’re really in the same place mentally (no offense Leah!) about IF and this cycle, we’re pretty much neck and neck with follie counts and schedule. There is even a chance we’ll have our ER on the same day! Not to mention, her blog rocks.

Amy R
and I have brunched, lunched and pedicured together and I have to say if I’ve got to go through IF, having a real live person to talk about all this crapola with cannot be beat. It’s even better when she’s as cool as Amy! Head over and visit her, wouldja? She needs some cheerleading about her Fab Four who are rockin’ the Petri dishes in Daly City.

Another Rockin’ Blogger is Geohde at Mission Impossible. Hee-fuckin’-larious, I tell you. Don’t believe me? Just check out this take on one of Michael Jackson’s finest. You will pee your frickin' pants. She’s also been a great support to me of late.

Finally it’s Alexa at Flotsam Blog. I’ve said it before, but her writing style makes me jealous (as do her Gilmore Girls finale parties and cakes). Her ET was today, so I am crossing my fingers that she has a speedy (and rockin’) 2WW.

This doesn’t even begin to commend the awesomeness of the blogosphere. I am so thankful for this resource!

Monday, August 27, 2007


So I have to share this little tidbit about Friday night. I've been doing my shots around 9:30 each night, and on the night of the Wilco show I knew I'd have to do something a little different. I emailed the nurse to ask if I could pre-mix the repronex before I leave so I wouldn't have quite so much shit to schlep around. She said no and suggested I take them before I leave as early as 7, but what she didn't understand is that I was leaving my house around 4 for acu, then to meet W and head to Berkeley. I decided just to bring it all with me, and shot myself up in the bathroom of the bar we had pre-concert bevvies.

It's so strange to say, but it was kind of exhilarating! LIke a big FUCK YOU to IF. You can't keep me down, beotch! Also it was kind of amusing when I got to the show, because the bag checker-outer lady was so fucking stoned she wouldn't have known contraband if she found it and smoked it herself. I had to open the cheesy cooler bag that I packed my meds in. I'd gotten rid of all the needles, etc., but the follistim pen was left and some alcohol swabs I think. She asked what it was and I said it was the remains of some medicine I had to take earlier. She instantly became this sweet (baked) old grandma and was like, "Oh you poor dear, you go right on through..." Of course she didn't bother to look through the rest of my bag which was big enough to hold all sorts of forbidden items. Guess I'll have to remember that trick for when I'm actually smuggling something!

Anyway, I highly recommend shooting up in a public place. Don't let IF make you a prisoner in your own home!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Quick update

I've got friends arriving in about two minutes and we're going wine tasting, but very quickly...

I seem to have more follicles than last time, 5 good sized ones on the left and 2 on the right. In addition there are more smaller ones on both sides. She (Not Dr. Pig) said that they're growing a lot slower than last time, which since it was a BFN I will take to be a good thing. I'll stim for at least 3 more days and go back Tuesday for another check. She thinks going longer will help the smaller ones catch up which would be freakin' fantastic. So it wasn't the rave ova-review I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

Happy Weekend to All!

By the way, despite the fact that we were next to a psychotic wanna-be super fan who couldn't figure out what song was what, but chose to sing at the top of her lungs anyway, Wilco rocked the house! I love me some Tweedy...

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Well, I think for the most part I'm out of my funk. I've just been trying to focus on the day to day business of IVF, organizing all my meds and supplies, perforating my abdomen, and trying not to think about the end result. Hopefully I'll feel better after my u/s on Saturday. I'm so curious to know what's going on in there!

I've been having fun with this time off. I took my dog to the beach a couple times and went hiking with a friend on Mt. Tam yesterday and I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in probably a hundred years. But other than that I've been spending way too much time on the interwebs. I've been doing a lot of reading on donor eggs, which I know is so wrong to do while in the midst of a cycle with my own eggs. How do I stop?!? Luckily, I start a temp gig tomorrow that lasts just through the end of next week. It will be a nice diversion without being too stressful. I only have to work a half-day on Friday, which is perfect because we're going to the Greek Theater to see Wilco on Friday night and I cannot wait! They're my favorite band ever, and it's been over a year since I saw them last, which is way too long. The half day will allow me to go to acu and give the pooch a proper walk before we go out. Then this weekend we've got friends in town, so that will be another helpful distraction. Unfortunately last time these friends came to town, they were overwhelmed with the amount of walking that a visitor to SF tends to do, and they pooped out on us a lot, but hopefully this time they'll be prepared.

Any thoughts on what to do about my DE-research tendencies? I've got this inner struggle going on. Half of me thinks I should visualize success this cycle, and stay positive, but then the other half wants to protect me from being totally let down, so I get all pragmatic, thinking I should be preparing myself for the next thing. AAAGH! I really want to do the cheerleader thing and stay positive this time 'round. I do! But then I remember the soulcrushing single line the morning of my beta.

Speaking of that, now that it's been a few months, want to hear a funny (kind of) story? So I woke up at 4:30 that morning. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again until I POAS'd, so before fully opening my eyes and brain, I went to the loo. I peed in a cup, got the stick and held it in there for the proper length of time. I pull it out and look at it and....nothing. Not even the test line. So then I scrounged around for more sticks, and found two of different brands. I dip those in and pull them out and then got the real news. Turned out I'd been looking at the first one upside down. How much of an idiot can a person be? So then I got 3 evil one-lined sticks to tell me the news. That part wasn't so funny.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Shake it, don't break it - Updated

Injection update below.

So lest anyone thing that Dr. Pig has taken any bedside manners classes since we last met him, this post is here to assure you he's just as much as a dipshit as always.

I was thrilled when I scheduled my baseline to hear that it would be done by another doctor in the office. I've dealt with her before and she's been fine. I told the nurse who was taking my blood that despite the week plus of spotting I hadn't gotten my period yet. She seemed nonplussed and said that Not Dr. Pig would be right in. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when in through the door bursts Dr. Pig shouting, "NO PERIOD YET, EH?!"

"Um, no, not yet," I manage to say back.

"Well, we'll shake it loose," he says.

Shake it loose.

Shake. It. Loose.

WHAT the fucking fuck?

He said it while waving the dildocam around, I assume to demonstrate the implement which would do the shaking loose. Of what, though? AF? My precious lining? Cramps? Bitchiness? Even though I'm not exactly a prude, or particularly delicate in my real life, I was really surprised and couldn't pay much attention to the actual ultrasound. I guess I'm good to go, there are a few visible antrals on one side and a few more on the other. That's all I could get from him.

Unreal is what it was.

So once he was mercifully gone, I asked the nurse for the needles and syringes I needed and she was more than obliging. The pureg0n stuff all fits into my f0llistim pen, so I'm good to go there.

Except I'm kind of in a funk. Now it's really hitting me that I have to do this all over again and I'm not all that psyched about it. Shocking, I know. I just have this feeling that I'm going to have a hard time doing my first shot tonight, which is weird because I was really fine with them last time around. Maybe it's because that time I just assumed I was injecting myself with the magic elixir and would be pg for sure. HA! Anyway...I've thrown my energies in to cleaning which is much needed. I'm just so glad I'm not disturbing W's nap. /sarcasm.

(Please refer to Tipsymarie's great post for pretty much my exact feelings on how feminism can suck it. Even though right this very second I do happen to be unemployed, whether I'm working or not, W does NOT pull his weight in the housework department. I'm right with her, too about how he's the best of the best and I have absolutely nothing (except this) to complain about. It's just that he doesn't care as much about when our desk is piled with crap, or if the dishes sit until the next day. ARGH.)

Ok, back to the cleaning...

So my injections went fine last night and again this morning - phew! It was good to be able to just start with 1 last night. Then this morning I woke up before W and did my first 3-shot round with ease. I guess it's just like riding a bike. Let's just hope I don't have to do the whole Tour de France.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Life at the Crystal Palace

So today was my first day of unemployment and I have to say I am not all that good at it. As much as I really would love to be independently wealthy and not reliant on The Man for a salary, I don't know if I'd be any good at not working. I think it would be way different if there was a baby or two in the mix. They would certainly help fill the time, I imagine.

To ensure poor use of my time off I woke up hungover today. It was W's fault. We made up a new (kind of ghetto) cocktail of Bombay and Crystal Light, named the Crystal Palace in honor of the nasty, plastic bottled, $4 gin his parents get, and he messed with the proportions a bit in celebration of my unemployment. I guess I should own it a little, too since I chose to have 3 of them. Yeah, three. They were so good! And practically calorie-free! It was loads of giggly fun last night, but this morning not so much. I had interviews at two temp agencies and I just don't think I was at my best. Luckily to a temp recruiter if you can string a sentence together and don't drool much during the interview they think you're the second coming. Of course they make you take a typing test and thanks to the lingering affects and the early hour I might as well have used my feet. Oh well, I'm not looking for a job in the typing pool, so I'm ok with it.

Later I hit the beach with Bella and took our car to the self-wash place that I love so. There's something about that foamy brush that makes me happy. I had plans to grocery shop and be generally housewifely, but that didn't really work out so well. In fact, slacker that I am, we ended up going out to dinner. Aren't I supposed to make meatloaves or wrap myself in saran wrap or something? I'll keep working on it...

Somehow last night, in my boozy bliss I remembered to take my last bcp. AF never did arrive, but I'm guessing she'll show up very soon. Fine and dandy, I'm headed in for my baseline on Saturday, so I'm happy to get this show on the road!

I got all my meds and can officially recommend from England. They were so nice, and way cheaper. I got Pureg0n instead of Foll!stim, but nun pee is prob'ly nun pee, right? Hopefully he Pureg0n needles are as smooth like butta as Foll!stim - they were so easy (and useless) last time!

Not much else to update. I'm kind of in mini limbo for now. I'm really anxious to see some results from the acupuncture, herbs, wheatgrass and dhea. Of course if I do have a good response, how will I know what worked? I guess I don't care, right? My face is breaking out like crazy on my forehead, which is weird for me, so maybe the dhea is kicking in. There better be some good reason for this teenage drama 20 years too late.

Holy crap, twenty years? I might need another Crystal Palace.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Saturday Freak Out - Now with Less Freakiness

Ok, yesterday I was having some major boob soreness, which I just sort of attributed to the bcp. Then late last night I started to have some brown spotting like I do before my period. Usually this lasts a few - up to four or five days. BCP aside, this is only CD12. Never in my life have I had a two week cycle. They've always been irregularly regular at 26-31 days. Of course the cycle right before my first IVF was only 22 or 23 days long. Does my body love getting those injections so much that it's hurrying things along this time too?

But seriously - isn't it weird to be getting my period while taking bcp? I've only been taking it for 10 days and only have four more to go.

I am so friggin' confused and freaking out a bit. Any ideas anyone? I've got a call into my RE's office, but they haven't called back. My drugs don't arrive until next Wednesday or Thursday because I ordered them from bloody (no pun intended) old England.

Ugh - I was so looking forward to a nice weekend before the madness starts up again and now I have this to worry about.


I've now heard from my RE's office as well as quite a few commenters (THANK YOU!) that this is pretty normal. I'm supposed to just let it flow and show up for my baseline as planned next Saturday.

Friday, August 10, 2007

IVF #2 already?

I guess I'd always hoped that I wouldn't need to qualify the term IVF with a number, but it's looking like the case. It certainly does help keep things organized, though.

Anyway, Numero Dos has been sort of this abstract idea all summer, so it's hard to believe it's finally here, but now that I'm on bcp it's definitely getting real. I ordered my meds this morning and have my calendar all ready. I'm trying to keep a lid on it, but I'm getting kind of excited again. Of course I'm not so excited about the six-plus shots a day I'll be taking, but I think just being proactive again has got me all giddy. Also I like collecting information and organizing calendars (weird for someone who's really not all that organized in life) so getting all my protocol info gave me an excuse to calendar-and-spreadsheet-it-up a bit. Geek!!

So my protocol looks like this:

BCP through 8/15
Baseline 8/18 and if all is ok, I'll take my evening shot of microdose lupr0n that night.
The next day I add in the stims, so each morning I'll take 3 shots:
10iu lupr0n
225iu foll1stim
75iu repr0nex

and then each evening I'll do it all over again! In fact sometimes it could be more than 3 shots. My coordinator suggested I buy the foll1stim in the 300iu cartridges (rather than 600) because the overflow is the same amount (about 120iu) in every size, so I'll save a little money by getting 12 overflows rather than 6. but probably have to take a few multiple shots to get my dose in. Who knows how much it will really save, but any money saved at this point is a good thing. Especially given the fact that I QUIT MY JOB! AND I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER ONE!*

I'll also continue taking dhea and wheatgrass and although I won't be drinking those delicious herbs once I start stimming, I will have acu three times during the middle week of my stims. That's a whole lot. Last time she used the electrostatic (?) stimulator which was in a word, weird. She thought she'd done it before with me, so had it all hooked up, and casually said to me (while I'm laying face down) "Ok, I'm going to turn on the electro..." "WHAT?" I yelped, yanking up my head, which was of course stuck to that little piece of paper that's supposed to keep things all hygienic, and probably messing up all the needles. Once she explained it to me and I could feel it working I wasn't so freaked out, but for a while there I thought I'd accidentally signed up for electroshock therapy. In the end it was fine. Just like a light tapping on my lower back. Hopefully it did the trick!

I don't get a monitoring u/s until day 7 of stims, which is a little odd (although Amy R has the same thing happening). I'm guessing that since I'm on the max dose of meds, there's no real reason to check in any sooner? Who knows. It's fine with me because the fewer opportunities I have to obsess over follicle counts and sizes, the better! Not that I won't do it on my own.

Anyway, I've got some excitement and hope brewin'. I will try my best to keep them both to a minimum by remembering the complete and utter meltdown I had last time, but I don't know if I can do it. Come along with me?

*So, I didn't get into it too much in my blog, but I HATED this job. I've been working in nonprofits for way too long and am so over it. I kind of knew that going in when I took the job in January, but stupidly I thought this would be different. Nope. So I've decided to head back into the "real world" and hopefully make some decent money. I'm going to temp a bit to get a feel for what type of company or which industry suits me best. It's also good timing because if I happen to be not working while I'm going through the transfer, etc, that's definitely not a bad thing! My last day is next Wednesday and I am pumped!!! Between this and my new IVF cycle, so far August is a banner month! I just hope September is even better. I mean, it has to work this time, right?

Monday, August 6, 2007

A picture is worth a thousand gut punches

So we're back from our vacation and even though we had a fabulous time, I am always glad to come home. I'll post more pics in the next couple of days but in the meantime, here's one of my cousin and I in between swims. Trip highlights included:
  • amazing weather
  • perfect lake temperature
  • my best golf round EVER (including a chip-in birdie!)
  • a beautiful wedding with free-flowing basil mojitos
  • a hassle-free trip home
The only hitch in my personal giddyup is that my friend had her baby today. I'd been waiting all week for news, since she was due on 7/29. I had a feeling that although I've been ok with her pregnancy, I would not be as able to handle her actual parenthood.

I was right. Her husband sent two sweet pics of lil Zoe which I cooed appropriately over, and I scrolled down to the last picture which was my friend holding her with her husband smooshing his face into the two of them. Possibly it was a nice picture, but I couldn't really look at it and I closed the email immediately.

This is my best friend. Her first baby. And I can't even look at the picture. Somehow the baby by herself is one thing, but together with her mom is too much. Ugh. I emailed back saying she should just call me whenever she's ready, but I forgot about the fact that I might not be ready. I need to write out a list of questions or something for when she does call - any suggestions?


So far nothing to report on the bcp's. No side effects or anything. I got a lovely call halfway through our trip from the RE's office reminding me that we owe them nearly four grand for the next cycle. WTF happened to the buy-one-get-one plan?? Well, ICSI and lab fees and all sorts of other crapola mean we owe more. I should have known. There's no such thing as a free IVF (for those with shitty insurance, anyway). I also need to order my meds, which I'm sure will be more than last time. Goodbye house downpayment savings... Nice knowin' ya...