Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Well, I think for the most part I'm out of my funk. I've just been trying to focus on the day to day business of IVF, organizing all my meds and supplies, perforating my abdomen, and trying not to think about the end result. Hopefully I'll feel better after my u/s on Saturday. I'm so curious to know what's going on in there!

I've been having fun with this time off. I took my dog to the beach a couple times and went hiking with a friend on Mt. Tam yesterday and I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in probably a hundred years. But other than that I've been spending way too much time on the interwebs. I've been doing a lot of reading on donor eggs, which I know is so wrong to do while in the midst of a cycle with my own eggs. How do I stop?!? Luckily, I start a temp gig tomorrow that lasts just through the end of next week. It will be a nice diversion without being too stressful. I only have to work a half-day on Friday, which is perfect because we're going to the Greek Theater to see Wilco on Friday night and I cannot wait! They're my favorite band ever, and it's been over a year since I saw them last, which is way too long. The half day will allow me to go to acu and give the pooch a proper walk before we go out. Then this weekend we've got friends in town, so that will be another helpful distraction. Unfortunately last time these friends came to town, they were overwhelmed with the amount of walking that a visitor to SF tends to do, and they pooped out on us a lot, but hopefully this time they'll be prepared.

Any thoughts on what to do about my DE-research tendencies? I've got this inner struggle going on. Half of me thinks I should visualize success this cycle, and stay positive, but then the other half wants to protect me from being totally let down, so I get all pragmatic, thinking I should be preparing myself for the next thing. AAAGH! I really want to do the cheerleader thing and stay positive this time 'round. I do! But then I remember the soulcrushing single line the morning of my beta.

Speaking of that, now that it's been a few months, want to hear a funny (kind of) story? So I woke up at 4:30 that morning. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again until I POAS'd, so before fully opening my eyes and brain, I went to the loo. I peed in a cup, got the stick and held it in there for the proper length of time. I pull it out and look at it and....nothing. Not even the test line. So then I scrounged around for more sticks, and found two of different brands. I dip those in and pull them out and then got the real news. Turned out I'd been looking at the first one upside down. How much of an idiot can a person be? So then I got 3 evil one-lined sticks to tell me the news. That part wasn't so funny.


Leah said...

That pee stick story is funny. My bonehead pee stick maneuver is that once I forgot to take the cap off before I dipped it in the little cup of pee. Duh.

As for your struggle with visualizing success vs. planning for DE, I don't have any good advice. Why? Because I am in EXACTLY the same boat. Hell, I've already gotten all the paperwork for a DE cycle at my clinic and have my finger poised over the telephone to call the Social Worker (there's a mandatory meeting with her before a DE cycle can begin). I put the Donor Coordinator's number in my cell phone.

Does this sound like the behavior of someone who is hopeful that the $15K she is pissing away on this cycle with her own eggs is going to work? Since we are true cyclesistas this time, you know that I haven't even had my first u/s either to look at what the follies are doing. Yet, I've all but moved on from this cycle and am trying to wrap my head around the DE stuff.

I'll check back here often, though, because maybe someone else will give you some good advice about how to stay positive regarding this cycle and not look so hard to the DE future...

Amy R said...

Erin, I hope you have a blast at Wilco on Friday night. You'll be hanging out in my favorite city! Regarding be positive or thinking about the next step- I know you are trying to not set yourself up for some major disappointment. But there's no way you can predict anything at all at this point. So I know its tough, but I hope you remain positive. Because I totally feel like things could work this time. I know its easy to say this, but I can't help it! Like you said in an email to me, I hope the next time we hang, we'll be talking about baby names :)

Ms. Planner said...

Have a great time at the Wilco concert - so cool.

My dirty little secret is that the whole time I have been supposedly focusing on our DIY Summer of Love, I have 3-4 adoption blogs that I check, like, every morning. They must think I am a total stalker. I guess I kind of am.

It is perfectly natural to consider the potential next step. Maybe you can try to limit yourself to 30 minutes researching DE stuff and 30 minutes visualizing a bushel of perfect eggs. Heh, heh. She said bush-el.
I don't know, but I think balance is a good way to approach things.

Fertilize Me said...

i think that leah and ms planner have fantastic insight that i could not sum it up better. I do hope that hte temp job gives the part of the brain where IF is stored a break - and sounds like you already have the fun lined up!!

Lori said...

Wilco rocks! I was them here in Denver a few years ago. How can I simultaneously think Jeff Tweedy is both hot and creepy?

Glad things are looking up for you.

Becks said...

Ooh I am so bad for mentally planning the next step before I've got through this step...I think its self preservation.

Enjoy your half day off, the acu, walking the dog and the concert...what a great way to start the weekend.

Geohde said...

My other half and I have discussed donor gametes and agreed in principle, but that's a long leap from actually doing it.

I don't know what assvice to give, but I hope that this cycle renders it irrelevent anyway. For good reasons.

Sarah said...

that whole hope and disappointment cycle is a killer. what works for me is the 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' approach. even though i gave up being hopeful ages ago, of course i still hoped it would work. i think it's worth keeping in mind that positive thinking will not make a difference in the outcome, so just do whatever makes it easiest for you to bear. for me, low expectations took a lot of the pressure off, and having a plan makes the disappointment easier to deal with. plus you've got the whole internet hoping for you, so you don't have to carry that burden yourself. :)

Reproductive Jeans said...

Evil pee sticks...haha--good story=)
A hard mind battle you are facing for sure...I wish I had assvice to give, but I do brain is in constant back and forth about all this jumbled mess too=) I just hope you find the answers you are looking for!
And I love me some Wilco! Have a blast!

Rachel said...

Sorry about the single lines. I hate that.

As far as looking at donors, I totally started looking after the second IVF was a bust. I figured we'd do a third, but I wanted to do my research in advance so that there would be as little delay as possible in moving forward. If you end up not going that route, what difference does it make if you spent a little time doing research?

Wanting & Waiting said...

Hope you have fun at Wilco!

I've been contemplating starting DE research...even though we're still thinking about another IVF cycle...I'm an information junkie...need it and need it now!!

Sticky Bun said...

I think we all mentally start planning for the next step before the current one is over. It's a natural (I think) defense mechanism.

But, the rest of us will be hoping for you that you won't need to use any of that research!

Knock Me Up said...

I say do what you have to do to get through the next two weeks. Looking at DE info does not jinx you or have a negative affect on this cycle. You need to keep your mind occupied and if gathering information on DE keeps you busy, so be it. Take care. I'll be hoping and visualizing for you that you won't need DE.