Monday, April 23, 2007

The Missionary Position

I had dinner with a friend of mine this weekend who knows that we’re trying to have a baby, but doesn’t know the extent of what we’ve been going through. The only reason she knows, actually is because the last time a group of us were together, I happened to mention I had an acupuncture appointment and another friend asked what it was for.

Annoying aside: When I decided to be honest and answered, “infertility” the friend who’d pried said, “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” WHAT? Why? Is there a big red I on my forehead? Are you able to detect withered old lady insides just by looking at me? Shut it! I was so confused and mostly pissed. How dare she make a (correct) judgment about me! Mostly, how dare she admit to making said (correct) judgment? Argh.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. So, we were having a very nice dinner. Sushi and cucumber gimlets and lots of laughs. My friend tells me that she and her new husband (since June) talking about trying to “reproduce.” She goes on and on about how they’re waiting until such and such month because his business has a very distinct busy season and they want to time it just right to miss it.

Oh my god! Why didn’t we think of timing it this way? Let’s see, if start trying in 2003, then we should be able to go through the year or so of ignorant attempts, all the requisite tests, treatments, heartache, emotional psychodrama and of course the hot flashes and then deliver sometime in early to mid 2008. Sweet! Planning is fun.

Back to my delusional friend… After I choked on my dragon roll, I had to pause. Part of me wanted to laugh at her obvious ignorance, but another part wanted to cry. Because you know what? That bitch (she won’t mind) will probably do it. Go off the pill, light a candle, dim the lights and BAM...BFP.

This is where the Missionary bit comes in. I hope it came out more smoothly than I remember, but I think the first thing I said, after, “Yay, that’s great!” was “I’m doing IVF.” I think I might have Infertourrettes. I wish this wasn’t so, but I said it to scare her. Like, “Your planning is cute and all, but get real. You’re 33, not 23, you're 6 feet tall and weigh a measly 110 pounds (see? Bitch!) and it’s not going to be as easy as you think.”

This happens to me a lot. I feel the need to use myself as an example to spread the word that getting pregnant is not easy. It seems like every book I read or website I check out is chock full of information that would have been so much more helpful a few years ago. I recently foisted Taking Charge of Your Fertility on a friend who had told me she and her husband are just thinking about trying. Does this happen to anyone else? If so, I found a great new shopping site. :) I just feel like I want my friends to know all the things I didn’t.

Of course this could backfire if my preaching actually gets through to them and they get knocked up before I do. Hmmm…maybe I should shut up.

13 comments:

Carrie said...

I loaned a very close friend my copy of Taking Charge of your Fertility after she mentioned that her and her partner had been trying for about eight months. She fell pregnant the month after reading it and is now six months along. Oh, you have to laugh! She recently gave me my books back. How awkward was that??
I don't even speak to my friends about my fertility or otherwise. I'd get too mad.

Sticky Bun said...

Infertourettes--I love it! What a great term.

And, I would also have been SO PISSED with the "that's what I figured" comment, too. That is just plain obnoxious. It's times like those that I wish I had a little card to give people that said something like:

"Here are the sensitive, thoughtful things you could have just said, you heartless bitch..."

ugh.

Adrienne said...

You should submit Infertourettes to Mel over at Stirrup Queens - she keeps a list of words, and that one is just hysterical!

I would be honored to interview you, Erin - can you send me an email address where I can send you questions? There are a few other women who volunteered, so it may take me a few days to get to everyone...but I'm looking forward to it!

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I love the Infertourettes term too! Can you imagine what it would be like to plan it all out and have it actually happen?? It makes me so jealous to think how lucky some people have it!

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

Thanks for stopping by my site, and for your words of encouragement! Same back at you!

Infertourettes is PERFECT! I have a bad case myself. I have scared the pants off of quite a few of my friends in this exact situation. "Oh, you're trying to get pregnant. Me too. Yup, for 2 1/2 years now. No, nothing obviously wrong with me. Picture of health. Best of luck to you, you might need it." Well, I'm usually not THAT direct.

But then, when they are rushing around telling their hubbies that they have to start NOW, because it will take YEARS I feel the slightest bit bad. But probably not as bad as I will feel when they get pregnant before me :)

Best of luck with your injections!

Marie-Baguette said...

ah ah ah, I too have Infertourettes. I realized I was getting slightly mad when I started to push my best friend to get his sperm tested, even though he is still not reconciled with his wife. Nothing to be proud of. But the worse is my friends who had abortions EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ON THE PILL. Well, those ones are so freaked out to be infertile that they want reinsurance from me. And of course, I can't tell them "you are so freaking fertile that you got pregnant on the pill, you whore". No, I find myself saying things like "I am sure you will be pregnant in no time", when I actually want to strangle them. Can't they realize how difficult it is for me to sympathize to their fears?

Kami said...

Beautiful! Now when my husband thinks I am being too "out there" about our infertility struggles I can tell him I have infertouretts. What's wrong with educating the people in our circle of influence anyway? It might just help someone else and at the very least opens up infertility to the light of day.

Jenna said...

I totally get where you're coming from. I have such a wealth of knowledge and part of me want to spew it all out when I hear someone ttc... but there is also a art of me wanting to bite my tongue... what if they go pregnant? Where would that leave me?

Jenna- http://epilogue.inconconceivablejourney.com

Geohde said...

Yes, so many people do not recognise that attempting to get pregnant does not always = instant gratification in the form of a BFP.

Neither is it so conveniently time-able.

Except for, it seems, the aforementioned bastards with no idea about the above two items. Unfair. Maybe total ignorance is the trick?

Only yesterday a good friend of mine, who knows we're freaking infertile, asked why we don't wait a year to try again (when the "timing" is better). Urgh. Because we've yet to even manage it when the timing is bad, dumbasss!! Infertourettes, indeed.

Bea said...

Love the term "Infertourettes". How very apt. Although it seems to me people always take me way too seriously, and they always get knocked up first try (ie two weeks after our chat). Hm.

Bea

Chili said...

I think I have Infertourettes too! It seems once I've let someone in on the fact that we've been trying for a while, and they make some asinine comment about relaxing or tell me 'it will happen when the time is right', I have to blurt out the entire story of everything that is wrong with me in one breath. Which is waaaaay more than they need to know!

Lori said...

I can't stop laughing at the way you tell this story.

I've gotta get me some more of your blog.

Thanks, Roundup!

Smiling said...

I just found this post from last years SQ extravaganza... and I just laughed your perfect term. Perfectly describes me behavior lately!

Off to read a few more posts!