GO HEALTH!

These last few posts of mine are pretty bleak. Maybe not without reason, but it's time for a change.

First, a mini WTF. I’ve got an appointment with my RE next Monday to talk about what might have gone wrong last cycle and how we can make it better for the next one. I emailed my IVF coordinator today to ask her if I could see my chart before the appointment and apparently there’s some huge rigmarole about sending in a signed release, which she thinks might take a while and yadda yadda yadda. I have to release the records to MYSELF? So I emailed back to see if I could just come in and look at it some time before the appointment. We’ll see how that request goes. Does it seem unreasonable to want to look at my chart before meeting with my doctor?

Anyway.

I’m feeling better after a really, really hard day.* It was way worse than I ever expected, but I think I’ve turned a corner (ew – Bushism!) and am feeling ready to deal with whatever comes next.

So…what’s next, then? Probably two months of DIY (one RE-mandated, one vacation-mandated). I’ll keep up with acupuncture and try to more strictly adhere to my acupuncturist’s diet and lifestyle suggestions. No dairy, no coffee and no cold drinks! Kind of harsh in the summer, but as we have to say to ourselves over and over, “It will be worth it once I end up pregnant.”

I am constantly amazed at how much I’m - and even more how much my fellow bloggers are - willing to put ourselves through. I know, believe me, I know, that the end result absolutely will be worth it, but I do wonder if I have a limit. Giving up ice cream and iced coffee over the summer is minor (sort of!), but won’t all these small concessions add up at some point? What if I just hit a wall? I’m really not very far along in my infertility journey, experience-wise, and I’m not feeling like I’m anywhere near the wall, but it really does loom out there in front of me.

For now though, I’m just going to focus on getting my brain and body ready for next time. It seems like the entire blogosphere is kicking off summer with a renewed fitness plan and I’m going to do the same. I went running today after work for the first time in a while and it felt so good! There was sweat, there was huffing, there was puffing. I set up these trackers to monitor how far I run and walk. They’re kind of dorky looking and I don’t really have a goal in mind for miles per week or month, but I just want to feel the need to update them frequently in a semi-public place. Gmaps-pedometer is the BOMB if you’re interested in tracking your travels.

I also ordered a new yoga dvd and replenished my wheatgrass supplement supplies today. GO HEALTH!

*My hard day was nothing like Suzy’s. She says she’s going away for a while, but I know she could use our support.

Ok, the lab finally found my blood and confirmed the BFN. On to the next. But probably not for a month or two. Thanks for all the kind words. It definitely helps.

"Stat?" We thought you said "Whenever the fuck we want"

How can people in this industry not understand the emotional toll that their work (or in this case, the lack thereof) takes on us? Isn't it reasonable to expect people handling bloodwork to know that they're some kind of urgency to it no matter what it's being tested for? If there are potentially irregular levels of ANYTHING floating around in a person's blood, THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT LIKE NOW.

I go into my trusty Quest Diagnostics this morning, where I have been on many mornings in the last couple of months. The lab tech is late, as always so I pace outside, thinking, why am I even here? The blinding white on my hpt has told the tale. Finally she shows up at 8:15, jabs me in the arm like old times, and tells me that since my RE said "stat" the results will be ready in 4 hours. So now it's 2:30 and my RE's office just called to ask if I went in for the test. Um...YES. They then called the lab and apparently there's no record of my motherfucking blood anywhere. The nurse just said, "Keep taking the meds you're on and we'll let you know as soon as we hear something." As if I might not hear anything until tomorrow.

Sweet jesus, I don't think I can wait another day for this. The practical side of me is ready for it to just be over so we can start making plans for the next cycle. The impractical, stupid, can't-let-it-go-asshole, Tinkerbell, Pollyanna side of me went to IVFConnections and saw that 12% of people in their unbelievably informal and unscientific poll had negative hpt's 11dp3dt and went on to have BFPs. So now I've let that beotch Hope creep back in.

I've got to know something by tonight because I'm meeting a friend for dinner and would either like to bask quietly in my pg-ness, or get stinking fucking drunk. At this rate it looks like I'll be stewing miserably over a Pellegrino.

Not this time

My hpt was negative this morning. I'm going for my beta in a little while. Not holding out much (read: any) hope. This sucks.

May Tomorrow Never Come

I know that's a weird post title for someone whose beta is tomorrow, but honestly there's this small part of me that wants to just stay right here in the 2ww. Here I can imagine the IVF worked and think about names and where we'll put the crib and how we'll tell our parents. Here I can have hope. What if tomorrow the hope is turned to despair? W has decided it worked and is already totally excited. It's so hard to temper my own enthusiasm.

I've got about 15 hours left until the ceremonial stick-peeage. "Hope"fully the results will allow me to keep the hope alive, because I'm pretty scared about how a no will hit me.

I am

Firstly, I am sick and tired of putting this off, so here goes!

I am a wife, a daughter and a sister, in that order, and I am so lucky to have the most wonderful husband, mom, and brother on the planet.

I am kind of a chatterbox 1-on-1, but in groups tend to clam up. That's one reason this blog has been such a great thing for me. I feel like I'm 1-on-1, but with a group of great supporters.

I am not career-driven and am not ashamed. Although I'm not 100% sure I could do the full-time Mommy thing, I'd sure like a crack at it.

I am pretty damn funny, but probably make jokes a little too much sometimes.

I am happiest when hanging out with just W and our pooch (and eventually I hope to include some offspring!). Sometimes when we're hanging out in bed on a Sunday morning or on the couch, I envision a little baby with us. I try to avoid doing so, but it does happen...

I am still reconciling myself with being infertile after 3 ½ years. (see pathetic visualizations above)

I am a grammar snob and wish that I could rid the world of ill-used quotation marks. I'm sorry but I'm not going to order "Shrimp" Fried Rice. I'm just not. Nor will I attend your yard sale with "TONS" of "GREAT" stuff. Sounds like a small pile of shit to me. I warmly welcome alerts to any grammatical improprieties in my blog or elsewhere.

I am usually very independent, but sometimes relish the chance to depend on W. He rocks.

I am a really good sleeper.

I am constantly planning. Not necessarily Blackberry, calendar style planning, but more like planning out the evening, or my use of Tivo, or what I might say next, or my route to work. It's kind of OCD-ish now that I'm thinking about it.

I am planning to see someone about my very recently self-diagnosed OCD.

I am 7dp3dt and it's friggin' killing me.

I am not a poet.

Pains and Posterity

I've been trying really hard not to constantly think about potential early symptoms and for the most part have been successful. But today I'm having some weird cramp-y type things. They're quick, sharp jabs in my lower abdomen and are making themselves fairly hard to ignore. The thing is, I never get cramps before AF. It's always about half a day in when the cramps start. So I can't believe I'm actually blogging this, since it's early and the pains are fairly minor, but I really feel like it's a good sign. And it really is a good sign, I'll be happy to have recorded it for posterity. (My First Pregnancy Symptom!)

Of course if isn't a good sign, then I will probably have to come back and delete this delusional post.

If only I was a better temp-keeper so I'd have something more solid to go out. It certainly worked for Bumble!! Please go give her your congrats. That little Sureshot really lived up to his name!

Confluent Displaysia

So I convinced W to play the Guess the Acronym game. It wasn't easy since it was only a few minutes after his beloved Sabres were eliminated from the playoffs. (Plus he didn't even get to see the end of the game because NBC decided that the pre-Preakness broadcast was more important than the Sabres-Ottowa overtime. Yes, we all need more Bob Costas.)

Also, he's not a huge fan of these things. For my bachelorette party my friends emailed him a little quiz asking silly questions like how many kids we want (HA!), the craziest place we ever had sex, etc. At the party they asked the questions and for each one wrong I had to have a shot of Jim Beam. So, I thought I would ace it, but I kept getting them wrong. Finally when the answer to craziest place we had sex was "The Eiffel Tower" I knew something was up since as I screamed, "HE'S NEVER BEEN TO FUCKING FRANCE!!!" Turns out he gave the quiz to his best pal to fill out and I was totally screwed. And drunk.

Anyway here are his answers. I actually thought he might do a little better than he did, but I'm sure with the Sabres tragedy he wasn't at his best.

AF Affirmative Fertilization
IVF In Vitro Fertilization (YES!)
IUI In-utero insemination (so close!)
IF Instant fertilization (uh yeah, not so much)
PG Procter & Gamble
TTC Tri Triptophan Cloromine (WHA??)
DPO Department of Public Orifices
BFP Big Fuckin' Penis
BFN Big Fuckin' Navel
POAS Part of a System
OPK Office of Prenatal Kare
CD Confluent Displaysia (seemed like a nice title to me)
BD Birth Defect (which I think he might have)

Try it, it's fun!

And now, for eight random things about me...

1. I learned to drive on my friend's stick shift and once I finally took driver's ed, I was worried I wouldn't know how to drive an automatic. Apparently the meaning of the word "automatic" had escaped me.
2. I went to Costa Rica on a two week vacation and ended up staying for a year and a half. During that time I only had about a dozen hot showers.
3. I don't like wind.
4. When I was in high school, I was really into Motown music. No, I did not grow up in Detroit in the 60s. I'm not really sure how it happened.
5. I could eat Mexican food every single night of my life.
6. It shows.
7. I've been going to acupuncture at least once a week since February and I have yet to actually see a needle when it's stuck in me. I'm hoping to keep it that way.
8. I don't like pie or cooked fruit of any kind. Except pineapple on pizza.

Most everyone around has been tagged with this so far, but if you haven't yet, consider yourself tagged!

2WickedWeeks

My ET went well this morning. Or I guess I should say, "My ET happened this morning." I've got the 2ww to handle before I'll know how well it went.

I'm kind of in a state of shock because I ended up transferring 3, which is something I never thought I'd do, especially since I thought only two had fertilized. They gave us the news about the extra when we arrived this morning.

I'm definitely not down with multiples, especially of the high-order variety, but the math won out. My RE and W both thought 3 was the way to go, especially since the 3rd wasn't freeze-worthy. (Why would it be transfer-worthy, then?) Also, my RE said that I have to be treated like an older woman because of my high FSH. I was steadfast in my view that 2 was best, but when asked, "What if it doesn't work? Won't we regret not tossing in that 3rd one?" I realized that I would absolutely regret it, so here I am.

I just hate the idea of not rooting for them all to succeed. I guess my kid(s) first lesson will be that there IS an I in team. I really need to turn my brain around and be positive. It's so hard thought. I feel like I've made a mistake and there's no going back now.

First beta - May 29th

Two...It's the Magic Number

Yes it is. It's the magic number.
Somewhere in this in-fer-tile community
Was born 2 embryos to me
And that's the magic number.

What does it all mean?

**********

Well, it's means that two lil guys have fertilized and I'm going in for a 3-day transfer tomorrow at 10! They had originally scheduled me for noon, which was right smack dab in the middle of a conference call with a potential $300,000 funder, which had been scheduled during my ER. Luckily they were able to move some things around and I'm able to go in in the morning. WOO HOO!

This is so great. All I wanted was a chance. To go through all those shots and appointments and the retrieval and be left with nothing would have been really tough to take. And of course, I wanted to get to a 5-day transfer, but at this point, 3 is just fine with me! My mom says "The sooner the better!" So, although she doesn't exactly get it, I'll take all the positive attitude I can get!

I've been tagged with the I am... poem and the 8 random thingies tag, and I will definitely be posting those soon!

ugh

Of the 4, so far none have fertilized. One appeared to be halfway there when they were looking, but the rest showed no signs. The nurse tried to tell me that sometimes the others will catch up, but I think she was just blowing smoke up my ass. Nothing Dr. Google has to say backs her up on this.

I have to wait until Friday now to know more because they don't like them going in and out of their warm place too much. While this makes sense to the .0001% of me that's science-minded, the other 99.999% of me can't even begin to think about waiting another two days to know more.

Last night I was lying awake, unable to fall back to sleep and the only thing that comforted me was knowing that W's swimmers and my eggs were meeting up and partying together through the night. I'm not sure how I'll sleep tonight.

Operators Are Standing By

My ER was an absolute breeze. I was a total vegetable yesterday once I got home (a couch potato to be exact), but didn't feel any pain and I don't have any residual effects today. They got 4 eggs out. Not bad I guess, since I had 5 follicles. Normally they get eggs out of 2/3 of the follicles, so so far my percentages are good! Total numbers - Eh. Percentages - Yippee!

Now I'm waiting totally impatiently for the nurse to call with the fertilization report. She was making these calls while I was recovering yesterday, which was at 10:30 (it's noon now) so I'm hoping that she's just super busy today, otherwise it means she trying to psych herself up to give me bad news.

Stick it to me

Is it weird that one of the things I'm most anticipating tomorrow is going under? I have this brain that goes constantly. I'm not bragging. I just mean that I have a really hard time quieting my mind. It's not like anything nobel-prize worthy goes on up there. So the idea of some lovely nurse sticking a needle in me and then 10 seconds later I'm out? I love it! I know that's seriously fucked, but there you have it.

It will be so nice to be able to tell our child that my favorite part about his or her conception was passing out.

Seriously, though I'm really starting to get anxious about tomorrow. Or not tomorrow so much as the many days and events after tomorrow. I wonder if I can just be passed out for the whole two weeks?

My ER is tomorrow.

My ER is tomorrow. (I had to type it again. It looks so nice!)

Although, I have to admit, this is where my chipper, first day of school kind of attitude starts to wane. This is the part where it gets real. It's all sugarplums and lollipops until Wednesday morning when I get the call about fertilization.

And then, of course, the beloved 2ww.

More later on the stressfest that is my world...

Thems the Brakes

I guess I had to know it couldn’t really go this smoothly. Who was I kidding?

So, I had another u/s and more b/w this morning. My RE was out, of course – it’s Friday. Why work on a Friday?? That's for poor folk. Lucky bastard.

So his replacement, Dr. Dork (Man, he was such a geeky li’l thing! I felt like mine could easily be his first ever cooch sighting.) said that while the follicles are still growing, they’re not quite ready yet, so I’m going back on Sunday for another u/s and we’ll know more then.

He also said that my uterus is “beautiful.” It could be because she was his first, but in case he's right, do you think I should enter her into a pageant? I can just imagine the interview portion:

Host: “Miss Vicious Cycle, how would you change the world?”

Miss VC: “I’ve made it my life’s work to form a community with my fellow organs. We are united to fight for a Mercedes in the driveway of RE’s all across the land.”

What I’ll choose not to imagine is the swimsuit competition. Ick.

Anyone watch Dancing with the Stars? Come on, admit it! Anyhoo, my little foray into the world of pageantry got me to Googlin’ and I found out that Drew Lachey and Mario Lopez will be hosting the Miss USA and Miss America pageants respectively. Not respectfully, of course. So much for that show helping their careers.

Happy weekend to all! Good luck getting through Hallmark-induced Hell. Go out to brunch on SATURDAY. Instead of Mother’s Day, I’ll be celebrating El Dia del Dildocam. Wish me good suerte!

Thanks for the Tags!

Now I've been tagged by two fellow bloggers and I have to say it feels so nice! Thanks Ms. Planner and Sticky Bun! I'm so glad my IF-defense humor is working for ya! I've been a complete and utter bloghound since I started my own and there are SO many out there that I love checking in on (way more than are my list). If you haven't already, please check out these ladies. They got it goin' on!

Alexa is my idol. Her style of writing is so informal, yet perfectly hilarious, and still touching. And she makes me want to plan my wedding all over again. I certainly never thought that was possible!

Watson you little rock star, you! Watson has helped me on so many levels. First and foremost her injection videos are fab. Informative, funny and so useful! And having had success squared on her first IVF gives me hope that the same thing can happen for me (maybe minus the squared part - not sure if I'm ready for that). Thanks Watson!

This is my no-duh tag. Mel is THE go-to source for just about everything IF-related. She's got the site organized so nicely. When your online time needs to be a bit more focused than normal, the emoblopedia makes it easy to drill down into the exact topic you're looking for. And when you want to get away from the screen and do some book learnin' you can sign up for the book tour.

Lady In Waiting is always a good read and lately she's had some posts that so poignantly show the roller coaster of emotions that we go through. The low, low lows, the super highs and everything in between. She's making the big decision to start Clomid and I know she could use your support!

Serenity had this great post about the things she didn't know about herself before she started her IF journey. I know we all hate the assvice about how we wouldn't have this problem if (insert preferred higher power here) didn't think you could handle it, or that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, blah di blah blah. BUT, Serenity really made me think about how much I'm learning about myself and how strong I am. Sure I wish things were easier, but having this insight about myself might come in handy down the road. Thanks Serenity!

Here's the lowdown on the Thinking Blogger if you're not familiar.

And here's a little update on me...

My baseline went fine and I've been shooting up since Friday night. I think I missed my calling as a heroin addict, because it's almost too easy! So far I haven't had any side effects, except one that is my own fault. For the first two nights I somehow used the wrong needle for the Repronex - three times too long, wrong! On night 2, I gave myself the shot a little too low, and definitely too long and hit some blood and now have a giant bruise there. No biggie relative to all the horror stories out there, and of course, totally my own fault! Duh.

I've called in sick today because I really need a day away from my job. I've only been there four months, but it seems like I've made a mistake. I have to make some big decisions and it seems so hard while I'm actually there at my desk. I'm off (ooh shit, I'm kind of late!) to my first check up u/s and bloodwork. Can't wait to see how things are going in there!

I'll update later with all the deets.


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UPDATE
*********

My ultrasound went ok...not great. My right ovary isn't responding at all (and only had 2 antrals, anyway) and in my left there are six follies measuring 9,11,11,12,13, and 15. I start my antagon tonight (ganirelix) and my RE thinks trigger Sat, retrieval on Monday. Crazy!

Mind Over Menses

I don’t know if I mentioned in an earlier post that W has a trip planned that could have potentially conflicted with our retrieval assuming two big “ifs” came together to spite me. IF my period came a few days late and IF I responded poorly to stims and had to stay on them longer than normal. Granted his trip is just a golf vacation with pals, but it’s an annual tradition and I would have hated asking him to delay or cancel it. (Not that I would have hesitated for a second! We all have to do things we hate sometimes. Life's hard.)

So, that is apparently not going to be an issue because my period has decided to come a week early! Early! This gives me a Lilliputian 22 day cycle for this month, which makes me wonder a little, but I’m chalking it up to the prometrium from my IUI cycle making things all screwy. I’ll have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow make sure things are all good to go and if so I start shooting myself up right away!

******************

On another note… I am so very honored that Sticky Bun has tagged me for a Thinking Blogger Award! The grant that I was procrastinating the other day is due today and since my ED was all cranky about not getting her draft in time, she went overboard on the edits so I will have to postpone the hoisting of the e-trophy and the tagging of five bloggers that make my mind happy until another day, but I already have some ideas…. In the meantime, Thank you Sticky! For being so nice, you get awesome weather here in SF this weekend. (I like to pretend I have control over such things.) Enjoy!

As promised

No, the booze in the back is not part of my protocol. I wish!! I actually didn't even notice it was there until after I took the picture and I gave a millisecond's thought to clearing it out and retaking the shot, but realized that this was not exactly a Glamour Shot. (Weird. Spellcheck wants me to say "glamor" but it just looks better to me with the u. International and fancy and whatnot. Besides, what the hell does spellcheck know? It doesn't even know the word spellcheck!)

Anyway, here are my drugs in all their glory. Now if AF would just show up (not for another week at least) we can get this party started!

Am I nuts to keep feeling so giddy about all this? I know in the back of my mind that since this is my first IVF, it could end up being more diagnostic than impregnating, so my enthusiasm could be a bit naive. It will be interesting to actually get a look at my eggs (or at least have someone trained in egg-looking look at them through a powerful microscope) but I really hope there's nothing out of the ordinary to see. I just want to be ordinary.

I know it's too late for ordinary-ordinary, like getting knocked up by knockin' boots, but can I make a plea for IVF-ordinary? I'm worried that this enthusiasm I'm feeling has an expiration date. Like the end of next month's 2ww.

I do have a bit of 'insurance." Oh, not health insurance... my crappy nonprofit PPO doesn't cover shit, but we bought ourselves a little insurance with the ole' "Option 2 plan" which includes:

• IVF #1
• Cryopreservation of whatever lil guys aren't transferred but make it that far

and if the first round doesn't stick, then I also get:

• All the FET's that can possibly come from the yield above for 12 months
• Another fresh IVF cycle

All that for just $14k! Fuck. FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. None of you reading this need the caps. You know what this stuff costs. I just had to get it out. And you probably guessed - correctly - that that doesn't include the meds. I am ridiculously lucky because we're getting help from my mom and stepdad with the money, but it still just feels so insane.

But I want it to be a colossal waste of money and for the first cycle to work. Much to W's dismay, I've never been all that thrifty and now more than ever getting my money's worth is so not important. A baby will do nicely. (And really, would be considered more than "my money's worth")

I've been enjoying getting to know a few of you out there and totally appreciate all the love! I'm looking forward to checking in on everyone and to turning to you for support over the next little while. Thanks!