Freak-y Friday

Having woken up a bit early this morning, I was enjoying (perhaps a strong word) the Today Sh0w and perusing my Bloglines. I noted that Tam had a new post. I sidled on over to check it out and while her post was filled with great news about her embryo transfer, it left me FUMING about my own.

Here's an excerpt from her description of her RE's thorough evaluation of her embryos:

"...one was doing very well, infact it had about 6 cells in it but it had started off with only one cell (can't remember how he explained it) but basically he said that it didn't have a cell from the mother and the father to begin with but continued to grow (a bit of a freak of nature) so we couldn't use that one."

Head on over to read her post, I can wait, but to summarize, she had others that were in great shape and ended up transferring 2 excellent embies - Yay!

But her description of the bad seed? After my follow up with Dr. Pig I now understand that that describes all 3 of my embryos. Every. Single. One. He still hasn't come out to say that they weren't viable, but I'm slowly getting the picture.

I just don't know why he felt like he couldn't share this with us. I guess as long as there was nothing genetically wrong with them, I don't have a problem with transferring the freak embryos. My problem is that he let us leave there thinking that our chances were just as good as anyone's, when it seems like they were actually nil.

Doesn't he understand that for 2 weeks I obsessed about whether or not I was pregnant? That W became convinced of it? That I pretty much never stopped thinking about it? That W and I (so stupidly) had a conversation about names?

Doesn't he understand how much pain I went through when I saw that single line?

I had really been trying to think positively these last few days. Ideally, I'd stop thinking about IF at all for the next couple of months, but I know myself better than that. I can't go for that (No can do).

But I've been working out more, thanks to my tracker (note my new addition of tracking how many times I walk up the 7 flights of stairs to my office!) and I've banned myself from reading message boards, or googling about donor eggs. If I think about that too much, it's just going to make it a reality. I can worry about that later.

But all this positive thinking has kind of gone down the shitter because all I can think about now is kicking Dr. Pig's fucking ass from here to Mexico City.