Friday, June 8, 2007

Freak-y Friday

Having woken up a bit early this morning, I was enjoying (perhaps a strong word) the Today Sh0w and perusing my Bloglines. I noted that Tam had a new post. I sidled on over to check it out and while her post was filled with great news about her embryo transfer, it left me FUMING about my own.

Here's an excerpt from her description of her RE's thorough evaluation of her embryos:

" was doing very well, infact it had about 6 cells in it but it had started off with only one cell (can't remember how he explained it) but basically he said that it didn't have a cell from the mother and the father to begin with but continued to grow (a bit of a freak of nature) so we couldn't use that one."

Head on over to read her post, I can wait, but to summarize, she had others that were in great shape and ended up transferring 2 excellent embies - Yay!

But her description of the bad seed? After my follow up with Dr. Pig I now understand that that describes all 3 of my embryos. Every. Single. One. He still hasn't come out to say that they weren't viable, but I'm slowly getting the picture.

I just don't know why he felt like he couldn't share this with us. I guess as long as there was nothing genetically wrong with them, I don't have a problem with transferring the freak embryos. My problem is that he let us leave there thinking that our chances were just as good as anyone's, when it seems like they were actually nil.

Doesn't he understand that for 2 weeks I obsessed about whether or not I was pregnant? That W became convinced of it? That I pretty much never stopped thinking about it? That W and I (so stupidly) had a conversation about names?

Doesn't he understand how much pain I went through when I saw that single line?

I had really been trying to think positively these last few days. Ideally, I'd stop thinking about IF at all for the next couple of months, but I know myself better than that. I can't go for that (No can do).

But I've been working out more, thanks to my tracker (note my new addition of tracking how many times I walk up the 7 flights of stairs to my office!) and I've banned myself from reading message boards, or googling about donor eggs. If I think about that too much, it's just going to make it a reality. I can worry about that later.

But all this positive thinking has kind of gone down the shitter because all I can think about now is kicking Dr. Pig's fucking ass from here to Mexico City.


Leah said...

You can count me in on some ass-kicking action. I don't even know Dr. Pig and I already dislike him. I'd be happy to ambush him in the parking lot . . . in a "You mess-a with my friend-a, I break-a you face-a" sort of way.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry Erin. You're doctor should have been upfront with you from the get go. I'm new to all of this but if he had said your chances were not great after seeing your eggs right before the transfer, would you have been given the opportunity to cancel & not spend the money? Or would you have gone through with it still? I wonder if you can call PFC and request a doctor change. Its your prerogative to do so. I'm thinking of you and hoping you are okay. Do some DDR and add that to your tracker. Pretend its Dr. Pigs face on the pad when u are jumping on it, okay? Hugs :)

Lassie said...

Dr.Pig stinks. How patronizing of him to not disclose information about your embryos. I hate it that doctors and nurses make us "investigate" instead of being up-front with the good, the bad and the ugly. Getting blind-sided with shocking bits of information makes IF 10x worse than it has to be.
Thinking of you, xoxo

Sarah said...

i was taken aback by tam's description too. i certainly never got that degree of detail and i don't know of anyone else who has either. my clinic doesn't even give grading because they say it leads us to conclusions that are not ultimately supported by the fickle nature of how those little embies grow. still, that doesn't excuse dr. pig. there's got to be some middle ground.

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry Erin. The thought that he left you with hope, if there really wasn't any,is worse than cruel.
He can't have any idea how it feels to go through the mentally draining process of TTC. Yes it would be hard to deal with an outcome like that, but not nearly as hard as two weeks of torture and then a huge fall. If that could have been avoided it's the least a Dr could do for you.

The thought that this was avoidable must really sting. I hope that, in your case, it just wasn't cut and dried, or your clinic don't grade like that.

No matter what, I'm really annoyed that you've had to deal with this. It shouldn't be so difficult. x

Ms. Planner said...

Remember your medical boards, Dr. Pig? When you had to sit on pins and needles for weeks waiting the results? All those years of sacrifice culminating in the outcome of one result? OK. Good. Now take that anxiety and multiply it by 12 and then 3.5. That's what our friend Erin was dealing with, you jackass! Have a little empathy...sheesh!

Aww, E. I am frustrated with you. Is there a way to switch doctors? Or at least be VERY frank with Dr. Pig about how y'all are going to manage (as a doctor-patient team) this kind of information and protocol in the next transfer?

Ann said...

Transfer six embryos???!!! Is he high? Is that even legal?

Becks said...

Doctors...some you love some you hate, sounds like Dr Pig is a founder member of the 'hate club'.

The 2ww is bad enough without going through it for nothing, I can so understand why you feel so angry at him. Give him hell girl!

KarenO said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience - if it's possible at all, change doctors! It's so important to trust the person that is in control of your future children implicitly, and I hope that you'll be able to work out something that would be for the best. Thanks for visiting my blog ;)