Is it wrong if watching a grandmother sing the B0b the Builder song/slogan to her grandson fills me with rage?
Even if the grandmother is my own mom and the grandson is my step sister’s adorable son?
First of all, if I’m going to be totally self-centered, that one line: “Can we do it? Yes! We! Can!” bugs.
Can I do IT? The one thing I want? No I fucking can’t. So there’s that. But also, I just get worried that my mom is going to use up all her grandmothery mojo on my stepsibs’ various broods.
So this internally rage-inducing, but on the surface tender moment happened on Father’s Day at my mom’s house and caused me to down 3 Coronas in record speed. Seriously, I should have been in a chugalug contest. I was just rapt, watching them and sucking down beers. It was just so bittersweet seeing my mom playing with the little guy. They all love her to death. I worry that by the time she gets to meet our kids she’ll be over the whole thing. Not that she won’t love them to bits too, but all the newness of it will be gone. I’m the oldest in my (bio)family. I was supposed to give her the first grandkids. Me Me Me!! I would never have thought about any of this before, but then seeing her with those kids, watching them all run to kiss and hug her and call her Nana or Grandma E*****, listening to her expound on sleep habits or food likes and dislikes…it all SUCKS.
And until lately I’d been holding onto the notion that at least I’d give her her first biologically related grandkid. Well, recent RE appointments suggest otherwise. Plus this wouldn’t even matter to my mom, since she’s adopted herself. So I have nothing new to offer her. She’s even been through IF with my oldest step sister. She ended up going the DE route, and again, amazing kids, so my mom’s right on that train with Dr. Pig. With her lack of bio-ties, and her experience with great DE kids, she just doesn’t see the point in going through more heartache just for the kid to have my evil sense of humor and general dislike for people…uh, I mean my eyes and my love of books.
I hate to think that I’m at the point where I need to avoid family gatherings. My mom would hate that, and in the long run, so would I. But it is so fucking painful sometimes.