Musically Speaking

I've been looking for a free minute to play the IF ipod shuffle game, and decided it was the perfect way to procrastinate writing this grant I'm working on. Sadly it only took a few minutes and I was quickly back to staring at my blinking cursor, but then I thought - YES! I can make a post about it. And ramble on and on in the introduction so I don't have to go back to that stupid grant!

Fine, enough. Here goes. For those unclear on the rules, you set your ipod (or other mp3 player - no i-snobbery here) to shuffle and the first 5 songs to come up are the answers to the following questions. In order! No cheating!

1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:

Tabou by Les Nubians (Hmm, I am kind of bitchy so maybe...)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?

Rompe by Daddy Yankee ("It breaks"? Not sure what to make of that. I guess my old self is broken? No shit!)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:

Over and Over Again by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (OK - here's a winner! little did I know how true that would be)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?

Red Beans N Rice – Southern Culture on the Skids (Um, yeah, I think the band name is more pertinent than the song title. That should count, right?)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?

Intermittently by Barenaked Ladies (Wait, what? I thought it was supposed to be “frequently”!)

In Other News....My drugs arrive tomorrow! I skipped over the injectible IUIs, so this is my first go-round of the daily shots and I'm oddly stoked! I'll be sure to post the obligatory photo . It seems like that's an important rite of IF blog passage.

And we're off...almost

Yesterday was a big day in my IVF world. Bright and early at 8:00 am W and I were at the RE's office to meet with our nurse coordinator to go over every single detail of the process. At this point I feel like I could be giving that talk, but I think it was good for W to hear it all. The most exciting for me was finally learning what my protocol will be. I feel like it's real now.

Amazingly there's not much to it. No bcp, no lupr0n... I've gotten some back-up over at this board that this is not totally unheard of. I start F0ll1stim and Repr0nex on day 2 (hopefully around May 11) and as long as I respond well should trigger and have my ER shortly there after! We are a little tight with time, as W leaves for his annual golf trip on 5/29. He very wisely offered to delay his trip a day or two if need be, but I really hope that's not an issue.

I've pretty much given up on the pipe dream of this au naturel cycle working, so I'm just waiting for AF to show her (one time only!) welcome face.

I also had my first appointment with the new acupuncturist. Effectiveness aside, this place was at least a much nicer experience that at my last one. There was a very zen-like feel to the place, she had nice music playing and I got an eye pillow while the needles were in. An eye pillow! It was excellent.

The good news is that she came to many of the same conclusions that my previous acu'ist did, so I don't have to feel like I was wasting my time there. The two months I put in with her definitely did not go to waste. But I still like this one better. Probably because she's not one of the providers in my insurance. She asked questions about FSH levels, and drug protocols and she trained with the author of "The Infertility Cure." All good things, right?

The Missionary Position

I had dinner with a friend of mine this weekend who knows that we’re trying to have a baby, but doesn’t know the extent of what we’ve been going through. The only reason she knows, actually is because the last time a group of us were together, I happened to mention I had an acupuncture appointment and another friend asked what it was for.

Annoying aside: When I decided to be honest and answered, “infertility” the friend who’d pried said, “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” WHAT? Why? Is there a big red I on my forehead? Are you able to detect withered old lady insides just by looking at me? Shut it! I was so confused and mostly pissed. How dare she make a (correct) judgment about me! Mostly, how dare she admit to making said (correct) judgment? Argh.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. So, we were having a very nice dinner. Sushi and cucumber gimlets and lots of laughs. My friend tells me that she and her new husband (since June) talking about trying to “reproduce.” She goes on and on about how they’re waiting until such and such month because his business has a very distinct busy season and they want to time it just right to miss it.

Oh my god! Why didn’t we think of timing it this way? Let’s see, if start trying in 2003, then we should be able to go through the year or so of ignorant attempts, all the requisite tests, treatments, heartache, emotional psychodrama and of course the hot flashes and then deliver sometime in early to mid 2008. Sweet! Planning is fun.

Back to my delusional friend… After I choked on my dragon roll, I had to pause. Part of me wanted to laugh at her obvious ignorance, but another part wanted to cry. Because you know what? That bitch (she won’t mind) will probably do it. Go off the pill, light a candle, dim the lights and BAM...BFP.

This is where the Missionary bit comes in. I hope it came out more smoothly than I remember, but I think the first thing I said, after, “Yay, that’s great!” was “I’m doing IVF.” I think I might have Infertourrettes. I wish this wasn’t so, but I said it to scare her. Like, “Your planning is cute and all, but get real. You’re 33, not 23, you're 6 feet tall and weigh a measly 110 pounds (see? Bitch!) and it’s not going to be as easy as you think.”

This happens to me a lot. I feel the need to use myself as an example to spread the word that getting pregnant is not easy. It seems like every book I read or website I check out is chock full of information that would have been so much more helpful a few years ago. I recently foisted Taking Charge of Your Fertility on a friend who had told me she and her husband are just thinking about trying. Does this happen to anyone else? If so, I found a great new shopping site. :) I just feel like I want my friends to know all the things I didn’t.

Of course this could backfire if my preaching actually gets through to them and they get knocked up before I do. Hmmm…maybe I should shut up.

Allergies ≠ Infertility

When I made the decision to start acupuncture, I did some cursory research about where to go, but in the end decided to go to the woman who helped a friend of mine with her allergies.

Wait, WHAT?

In retrospect, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. It's great that she soothed my pal's stuffy nose, but shouldn't I have looked for someone who maybe specialized in my particular problem?

Of course, it's hard (and maybe unfair) to judge the effectiveness of her treatments barely 2 months in, but there were a couple red flags raised yesterday that make me think a change is in order. I had told her about last month's IUI and yesterday's appointment was the first time I'd seen her since, although she knew it had failed because I'd told her via email.

Scary exchange #1:

Acu: So, that test didn't work?

Me: Umm...do you mean the IUI, the insemination? Ah...no. (thinking...did we not just talk about how I'm on CD10 therefore not at all pregnant??)

Scary Exchange #2

Me: Have you ever had a patient going through IVF while you treat them?

Acu: (Eyes darting around oddly) I..uh...yes, I treat you just the same, and even if it works, when you are pregnant.

Me: (huh?) Ok...

Acu: Sometimes it can take up to 8 months or a year to work.

So, calling the IUI a "test" is definitely weird, right? Her English is damn good, so I don't think that was the issue. It just seems like a serious misunderstanding of the concepts. Then this last part really sent me over the edge. I know that she's practicing TCM and doesn't need to speak in terms of Western medical practices, but when talking about infertility, isn't almost everything discussed in cycles as opposed to months? Not to mention that she'd first told me that it would take 3-6 months to get my innards working correctly. Why double that now? She didn't even answer my question about other IVF patients she's treated, so I guess I'm done with her.

This is kind of like dropping a hairdresser, though. How do I tell her? "It's not me, it's you?"

Is it too soon to start registering for baby shower gifts?

What? Don't look at me like that.

So what if I've been trying to have a baby for three and a half years with absolutely no luck and am still about a week from even ovulating during a non ART cycle. So WHAT!

I found something I need.

Can you imagine how delish the brownies would be from this pan? I'm all about the edges, so this is basically my dream come true.

I may have to get it for myself before the shower so I can practice. (Yeah, yeah, what effin' shower...I know.)

Limbo

This is such a weird time in the life of the infertile. I'm on CD6, so for the next week or so, there's not much I can do to help my own cause. Yes, I can eat better, avoid coffee and booze and do nice things for myself like fertility yoga, nice dinners with W and walks with our dog, but beyond that it feels like my wheels are just spinning waiting around for Sexfest '07 (our last-ditch attempt to evade IVF). I suppose we can always practice. Or I could spend some time checking my cervical fluid. That's always fun.

If I had any self-control, this would be the perfect time to maybe take a mini-break from the IF blogosphere and bulletin boards and books, etc. In fact I'd suggested just that to myself this morning, but clearly that's not going so well, since here it is before noon and I'm writing a post.

It's just kind of addictive. There's so much information out there, and I'm a total glutton for that. And even better is the support I get by reading that other people are going through the same things I am. Like Sticky Bun who wrote this post describing exactly how I feel about IVF. Or like Carrie who's having her last (nearly) natural cycle before IVF - just like me!

The great thing about reading all these blogs is that I get a chance to root for everyone else. I see a pregnant woman on the street and I seethe. But when I read about someone getting a long-anticipated BFP I couldn't be happier. Partly because the woman on the street probably got pregnant by accident or in her first month of trying or some such bullshit, partly because I know the struggles my fellow bloggers go through and mostly because their success gives me inspiration.

The thing is, I'm not always the kind of person to be inspired by the successes of others. In fact, just this weekend I was golfing with W and we were paired up with a father-son duo who apparently came right from the PGA tour. They were freaking awesome. Of COURSE it was the day my pitching wedge decided to shit the bed.

When they made good shot after good shot I wasn't happy for them. Once the dad sent his drive into a tree and that made me smile inside. And a few times the son came up short on his putt. That was pretty cool.

Relevant? You decide. A nice chunk of Limbo used up not making a point? Absolutely.

Idyllic, Storybook, Urban Legendary Natural Pregnancy, Right This Way!

Well, I'm officially an IVFer-to-be, at least until the title of this post comes to fruition.

After talking with my RE, I'm taking this cycle off (from high-tech stuff, that is) and will attempt (most likely in vain) to be that mysteriously evil "friend of a friend" that we're always hearing about. "She signed up for IVF, and all of a sudden she got knocked up the old-fashioned way!"

That's me. Old-fashioned to the core. (She said on her blog.)

Information Overload

Go vegan!

Eat a high protein diet!

Get some exercise!

Don't exercise!

Do yoga!

Relax!

Focus!

High fat!

Low fat!

You're fat!

Jesus effin' Christ there is a lot of information out there. Information may be too kind a word. "Advice" I guess. But when it's published in a book that's available at my trusty library, it does kinda feel like information, ya know?

So I'm anxiously awaiting my phone consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about when I can start my IVF cycle. This will be my first, and we've got a few travel dates to work around, but I'm hoping we can start right away. I'm just starting my third month of acupuncture and herbs so most likely I'll have completed my "magic number" three months of TCM treatment just in time for IVF.

I got my period today, and it came on like a Mack truck. I guess that might be good so it will come and go fairly quickly, but writhing in pain is so much better at home on the couch. Doing it here at my desk is the pits. Another positive is that I can talk to my RE in real terms and not be waiting for my next CD 1.

(Insert your own eloquent transition here)

A friend of mine gave me "The Infertility Cure" and said that it really put her mind at ease and she attributes her pregnancy to it. This is the same friend w/ 2 sessions of acupuncture, some Clomid and BAM, knocked up! (That's not really fair, she was trying for a while, just nothing medical aside from the Clomid.)

Reading this book, really makes me wish I had time to try doing it all naturally. It sounds so nice to use food and herbs and acu to get my body working correctly, but with my recent diagnosis I just don't think it's a good idea. I just wish we got this information earlier in life rather than when I'm being threatened with eggstinction.

Unfortunately the book's not putting me at ease like it did my friend. The author tends to knock Western IF treatments a little. Not always unfairly, but for those who don't feel like they have the option to go all natural, it can feel kind of insulting.

Insults aside, I'm heading off to the local organic grocery to get my lunch today. Of all the information I've gotten, going organic is one that I can't find an argument against.

Going vegan? That's just crazytalk.

So much for a happy post

Well, it's a no. I was starting to have a feeling, although after spending the weekend with two pregnant friends, one damn cute baby and his mother, (a "friend" who knows that I'm going through all this yet spent the entire day we were together obsessing about my no-quotes-needed friend's pregnancy. And my NQN friend doesn't even want to talk about it. To her it's a fact of life not a reason to stop all other topics of conversation.) I could have used a BFP.

I think it's onto IVF now, which is pretty scary because it's kind of the last frontier.

10dpIUI and counting

Well, my 2ww isn't quite over, but I'm hoping that it will speed up a bit because my friends are arriving today! One in mid-afternoon and one around midnight. Tomorrow beach, mani/pedis and a ladies' lunch, Friday to wine country (for the scenery - and a couple sips here and there - for me), and Saturday a big dinner with lots of friends. 4 more hours of work and I'm out!

Probably no more posts until after my HPT, so here's hoping the next post is a happy one!

Sweet, sweet ignorance

Well, another friend of mine is pregnant. She has been ttc for a while, so it wasn't as frustrating as when it happens like magic for those Fertile Myrtles (I'm looking at you P!), but it was a bit of a blow. Is it wrong to be envious because she didn't go through any serious IF treatments? She took some Clomid, she had a couple acupuncture sessions...that was it. When I told her about my most recent IUI she said, "Is that the turkey baster thing?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be insulting. I'm just jealous of her ignorance. And her 16 week old pregnancy. (Not in that order)

I knew she was pg because we are going to see each other this weekend (after not having seen each other in about 6 months) and although we don't chat on the phone much (this has no bearing on our closeness, I swear!) she left me a message on Sunday saying she's looking forward to hanging out, but that I should call her back.

So I knew. Part of me wanted to not call her, but I did. I am happy for her, I swear, but do kind of wish I didn't have to hang out with TWO pregnant beotches this weekend. Along with another couple that just has their children at will. Awesome.

If only I could drink. Damn you 2ww!!!!!!!!!

A short story, part 1

Once upon a time there was a woman who was trying to get knocked up. Traditional methods didn't work, so she went to a doctor who injected her husband's sperm inside her, gave her some prometrium capsules and said "shove these where the sun don't shine and call me in 2 weeks."

Midway through those 2 weeks her brain melted and she developed carpal tunnel from her World (Wide Web) Tour of IF blogs and bulletin boards.

Will her brain return to normal function?

Will she be able to resist the siren call of the internet?

Will her Easter Sunday "egg hunt" be a success?

Stay tuned...