Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Thanks back atcha

Twenty-four hours* after suggesting that my friend should be thanking me for her good fortune, I’ve decided it’s I who should be thanking her.

I think this announcement (or really, my reaction to it) has helped me get to the point where I‘m ready to accept the idea of donor eggs.

When I think or hear about pregnancies or babies, the thing that always gets to me is picturing them holding their tiny baby. Knowing that they’re going to hold one and I’m not is what really hurts. I don’t picture myself doing a DNA test on the baby or staring at it in hopes that it looks like me. I just envision W and living our lives with our tiny new friend as a part of it.

The feeling that washed over me as I came to this realization was both intense and peaceful. And slightly scary. I told W about it and by doing so have potentially committed myself to having a non-biologically related child. (Of course I told him that I reserve the right to change my mind at any point!)

But most important is that I've hopefully made it easier (and faster) to Have. A. Baby.

I'm trying hard to stay positive about my upcoming cycle, as well as the current DIY attempt. I really want to give it my all and be as prepared as possible for success. So often in life I find myself looking ahead to the next thing. Whether it be the next page of a book, the next boutique in a line of shops, or now the next treatment in this vicious cycle of cycles. I constantly struggle to make myself live in the now. It's never because I'm unhappy where I am - I don't know if it's ADHD or just general flightiness, but it's something I have to work on all the time.

Staying in the now over the next two months will be a huge test. I made a similar mistake during my last IUI - mentally moving on to what I thought of then as the GrandDaddy of infertility - IVF. I know now that the likelihood of the IUI working was pretty slim, but I should have stayed with it more than I did.

Now, although my chances are below average, there is a very real chance of success with this IVF cycle. We'll know a lot more when we see how many eggs there are and how well they respond to ICSI. If that turns out ok, then we're back to average chances. I hate to say it, but for me, at this stage of my IF, average is rockin'!

This time I'll be armed with a diligent curiosity so I will be able to be "in it" realistically. The key will be keeping myself in it, no matter how bleak reality might seem.

This post was supposed to be about the peace and calm I experienced after figuring out that I'm ok with and ready for donor eggs. It's now two days since I started the post and the peace and calm is still present, and if anything getting stronger. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

*I started this post a while back. Damn work!


Leah said...

I am with you 110%. I actually used the phrase "at peace" the other day when talking to my sister while I described how I felt about our current decision (one more cycle with my eggs, then on to donor eggs). It's so weird that you are posting about this when it is pretty much exactly what's going on in my own head.

Do you think that maybe we were twins separated at birth? :-)

Carrie said...

I'm so pleased you are feeling at peace. You've had a real rocky ride lately and to get to a place where you can even smell peace is quite an achievement.

As for the donor eggs, I hate to comment on something I know nothing about but I wholeheartedly agree with your image of a mother and a baby. No DNA reports are necessary for this bond to happen.

I'm also always skipping ahead to the next thing. In all areas of life.

Ann said...

Doesn't it feel so much better to be ready for the next step, should you get to that point? I don't ever want to put myself in a situation where I don't have a "next step." There are always options--and donor eggs are a good one!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Being at peace is SO lovely...

Becks said...

You do sound at peace with it all, no matter what happens and I think thats a really healthy place to be.

Ms. Planner said...

E, wow, what an amazing post. I completely know what you mean about just wanting a baby in your arms and being a mom. However it happens, it doesn't make that child any less yours.

I have been reading a lot of adoption blogs and it is amazing that the minute the parents meet the child, he or she really truly becomes theirs.

You made a tremendous decision. And am so glad you are at peace because you have had a rough go of it lately.

xoxo, Ms Planner

Knock Me Up said...

Wow, that's a tough decision and it sounds like you made it with grace. I'm so happy you are feeling so peaceful now. Take care and stay Zen if you can.

Sarah said...

i hope this peace is the beginning of a new phase filled with good news, reasons to hope, and of course the holy grail baby in the end.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Living in the moment has been a challenge for me for as long as I can remember. I think the struggle deems partly from my fear of disappointment and negative feelings. I think this largely unconscious process involves thinking ahead and planning for disaster as a way to protect myself from the painful feelings that today may "bring." But instead I have realized that I don't trust myself enough to experience/survive/enjoy what is in front of me.

I think the fact that you have started to feel peace about your decision is a huge step!! Like life, your feelings probably won't be linear or always fit nicely into a category. So, the fact that peace is one of your emotions right now is a great sign!!

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so glad that you're feeling at peace. It is so hard to come to terms with everything that IF throws at us, but you're so right--in the end, it's being a mom that's important. Whatever route we take to get there.

Geohde said...

It took my husband some time to concede on possible donor sperm, even though we are hoping that his will be ok for ICSI.

At the moment, I'm a bit more worried about my only 30 year old eggs that can't seem to get it together enough to generate a normal luteal phase when flogged by Clomid...hmmmmm. I guess IVF will reveal all.

Good luck.

Lori said...

My problem with being at peace is exacerbated by my attempts to live in the now.

Because, you know, I want to be at peace permanently. In all the nows.

It feels good to accept a course of action, though, doesn't it? The act of accepting can create the
space for things to happen.

Wishing you well.