Twenty-four hours* after suggesting that my friend should be thanking me for her good fortune, I’ve decided it’s I who should be thanking her.
I think this announcement (or really, my reaction to it) has helped me get to the point where I‘m ready to accept the idea of donor eggs.
When I think or hear about pregnancies or babies, the thing that always gets to me is picturing them holding their tiny baby. Knowing that they’re going to hold one and I’m not is what really hurts. I don’t picture myself doing a DNA test on the baby or staring at it in hopes that it looks like me. I just envision W and living our lives with our tiny new friend as a part of it.The feeling that washed over me as I came to this realization was both intense and peaceful. And slightly scary. I told W about it and by doing so have potentially committed myself to having a non-biologically related child. (Of course I told him that I reserve the right to change my mind at any point!)
But most important is that I've hopefully made it easier (and faster) to Have. A. Baby.
I'm trying hard to stay positive about my upcoming cycle, as well as the current DIY attempt. I really want to give it my all and be as prepared as possible for success. So often in life I find myself looking ahead to the next thing. Whether it be the next page of a book, the next boutique in a line of shops, or now the next treatment in this vicious cycle of cycles. I constantly struggle to make myself live in the now. It's never because I'm unhappy where I am - I don't know if it's ADHD or just general flightiness, but it's something I have to work on all the time.
Staying in the now over the next two months will be a huge test. I made a similar mistake during my last IUI - mentally moving on to what I thought of then as the GrandDaddy of infertility - IVF. I know now that the likelihood of the IUI working was pretty slim, but I should have stayed with it more than I did.
Now, although my chances are below average, there is a very real chance of success with this IVF cycle. We'll know a lot more when we see how many eggs there are and how well they respond to ICSI. If that turns out ok, then we're back to average chances. I hate to say it, but for me, at this stage of my IF, average is rockin'!This time I'll be armed with a diligent curiosity so I will be able to be "in it" realistically. The key will be keeping myself in it, no matter how bleak reality might seem.
This post was supposed to be about the peace and calm I experienced after figuring out that I'm ok with and ready for donor eggs. It's now two days since I started the post and the peace and calm is still present, and if anything getting stronger. Ahhhhhhhhh.....
*I started this post a while back. Damn work!