...All I Ever Wanted

Well, in just a few short hours I'm hopping on a red-eye and will be winging it toward VACATION! I am so ready for this. Lake swimming, row boating and book reading. Ahhhhh....

We have to bring W's laptop so he can stay connected to work, but I am going to try to avoid the internets if at all possible. (It's not. I'm addicted. When I got pulled over in a car chase the other night my Blood-Internet Level was well over the legal limit and they found a wireless card in my pocket. But I swear they weren't my pants! I guess I shouldn't have taken off that internet-detecting anklet.) That last bit will seem a bit weird if you don't follow celebutard gossip. I do. No shame in my game.

Anyway, I will try to limit my time online over the next week or so and when I return I'll be on bcp. I should leave room for the very unlikely possibility that rather than being on the pill, I'll be pregnant, so I will, but I'm not counting on it.

BUT, speaking of pregnant ladies, skedaddle over to visit Miss Sticky-Bun who is living up to her name! Woo hoo!

Thanks back atcha

Twenty-four hours* after suggesting that my friend should be thanking me for her good fortune, I’ve decided it’s I who should be thanking her.

I think this announcement (or really, my reaction to it) has helped me get to the point where I‘m ready to accept the idea of donor eggs.

When I think or hear about pregnancies or babies, the thing that always gets to me is picturing them holding their tiny baby. Knowing that they’re going to hold one and I’m not is what really hurts. I don’t picture myself doing a DNA test on the baby or staring at it in hopes that it looks like me. I just envision W and living our lives with our tiny new friend as a part of it.

The feeling that washed over me as I came to this realization was both intense and peaceful. And slightly scary. I told W about it and by doing so have potentially committed myself to having a non-biologically related child. (Of course I told him that I reserve the right to change my mind at any point!)

But most important is that I've hopefully made it easier (and faster) to Have. A. Baby.

I'm trying hard to stay positive about my upcoming cycle, as well as the current DIY attempt. I really want to give it my all and be as prepared as possible for success. So often in life I find myself looking ahead to the next thing. Whether it be the next page of a book, the next boutique in a line of shops, or now the next treatment in this vicious cycle of cycles. I constantly struggle to make myself live in the now. It's never because I'm unhappy where I am - I don't know if it's ADHD or just general flightiness, but it's something I have to work on all the time.

Staying in the now over the next two months will be a huge test. I made a similar mistake during my last IUI - mentally moving on to what I thought of then as the GrandDaddy of infertility - IVF. I know now that the likelihood of the IUI working was pretty slim, but I should have stayed with it more than I did.

Now, although my chances are below average, there is a very real chance of success with this IVF cycle. We'll know a lot more when we see how many eggs there are and how well they respond to ICSI. If that turns out ok, then we're back to average chances. I hate to say it, but for me, at this stage of my IF, average is rockin'!

This time I'll be armed with a diligent curiosity so I will be able to be "in it" realistically. The key will be keeping myself in it, no matter how bleak reality might seem.

This post was supposed to be about the peace and calm I experienced after figuring out that I'm ok with and ready for donor eggs. It's now two days since I started the post and the peace and calm is still present, and if anything getting stronger. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

*I started this post a while back. Damn work!

How do I love W?

Let me count the million trajillion ways. But first I'll tell you about just one of them. He's home on his first day off in over a month, weekends included, and he just im'd me to see if I need anything from the fridge because he's planning to clean it out. Fucking all-star, I tell you!

I'm at work and sick, sick, sick as a dog which sucks. Somehow having a cold in the winter is ok. You eat soup, drink tea, cuddle up on the sofa.... In the summer it's the pits. I'm physically fighting the urge to Costanza-it under my desk for a few minutes. Wah wah wah me.

It's CD 3, so urban legend baby didn't make an appearance this time around. May have had something to do with W working until 2 am most nights. (And when he managed to get home somewhat early he was working away with his laptop on his...wait for it....LAP! I couldn't really tell him to stop because he was working on a crazy deadline, but from now on I will be vigilant. (But not mean or anything. I mean he IS cleaning out the fridge!)

Happy Happy to all the BFP's out there. I'm hope this roll continues all summer long!