Hoping the Beginning is Really the End

First a word on the layout of this blog. Blogger gives you the choice of a few templates and there were cute pastel ones and a pink one and a happy green one. On first glance, I was sort of drawn to them. But then I saw this one - all black and severe and it was clearly the way to go. I don't feel pastel or pink or happy. I feel tired and gloomy and sick of counting my Vicious Cycle of Cycles.

Technically, W and I have been trying to conceive pretty much since our wedding night. It's shocking to believe that it's now four (calendar, anyway) years later and NOTHING. Admittedly, we went in kind of blind, I suppose just assuming that it would happen on its own without us having to do anything special. Then at my cousin's urging I went to see fertility "specialists" in the spring of 2005. Diagnosis wasn't too intense, aside from asking me about my cycle and doing an HSG. The HSG found a small polyp that may or may not have been blocking a tube. It was removed with a hysteroscopy and then I started in on the Clomid. In all I did eight rounds of Clomid. Only one was with IUI, and no one explained to me that Clomid decreases cervical fluid, essentially halting eager sperm in their tracks. I could have asked, but I didn't know what to ask. Why not?

Because I felt pressure by the universal advice to not put any pressure on myself. To "not think about it" Anyone going through this knows that in no way is that a possibility. It's mean to suggest even, because the trying not to think about trying to conceive can be, in my experience, anyway, the most trying part of it all! There is SO much information out there. Some helpful, some hopeful and some of-crap-full. It's hard to know what to believe and it's daunting to think about trying to learn it all. Our rather passive approach continued through early 2006. We had decided to move to San Francisco, and during the remodel of our house and our subsequent cross-country move, we (sort of) stopped focusing on the trying.

On February 23 I visited Pacific Fertility Center, here in SF for my initial visit. In 10 minutes my doctor had more information for me than 14+ months at the old place. I have smallish ovaries that aren't producing as many follicles as they should. Not none, but not a lot. I'm currently slated for Clomid Challenge Test for further diagnosis, concurrent with an IUI in my next cycle, which should start on or around 3/11. I'm also working with an acupuncturist, drinking her herbs and letting her stick me with needles twice a week.

I'm thinking of this new treatment as a new beginning. But I really hope it's just the end.