Halfway through the 2ww!

I had a great day yesterday. No work because of Cesar Chavez Day and W got home early! Not being at work was great in many ways. Some are obvious - no working! Some less so - not being at work meant not being at the computer so I didn't spend time reading about (ok, obsessing about) infertility and withered insides. It felt so good.

Bella and I went to Fort Funston where she ran and swam and generally had a blast and then I did some shopping, finding a great new rug for our living room and some cute earrings. Then when W got home we went golfing and I actually played pretty well! I swear, going to the driving range first is a MUST! The evening was topped off with a delicious dinner at a mexican place near our house and the Giant's-A's exhibition game.

It totally felt like a Saturday and now TODAY'S Saturday. So great. Tomorrow we're going hiking with friends and next week I'm only working three days because my girls are coming to town. I'm hoping all this activity will help me get through this everlasting 2ww, because while I don't want to fast-forward through their trip, the wait until I POAS on Easter Sunday is killing me!

dX: Decreased Ovarian Reserve

Shouldn't they just say "withered, old lady insides" and be done with it? Just a thought.

Anyway, I was right, my FSH is high. 13.7 to be exact. My RE was very positive, but also refreshingly honest about my future fertility. He said there's no reason to panic, but no reason to sit idly by and wait around for the stork to show up. My choices are one or two cycles of IUI with injectibles, and then IVF or straight to IVF.

My initial though was, if I'm not pregnant right this very second, to go straight for Big Daddy (no pun intended), but after looking at our schedules for the next couple of months, am thinking one IUI, then the IVF. FH will be away at the end of May on his annual golfstravaganza and then he'll be in Dallas all of June for work. So May and June can be IVF prep and then we'll be raring to go when he gets back in July.

Although it sucks ass to be diagnosed with these withered, old-lady insides, it does feel good to have a focus now and (sort of) a plan. Yay?

Pro/Con Artist

I'm super anxious about my RE appointment today. For one thing, karma-wise, I feel like I should just be acting as if this IUI worked, right? Not making special appointments to evaluate and plan my future fertility treatments? But at the same time, if by chance this cycle is a BFN, it does make sense to be ready for the next one.

I've been thinking that the title of this blog is too harsh and not optimistic enough, but this post pretty much embodies what I'm describing as the VCoC.

The other reason I'm anxious is that I've been riding this train all the while as an unexplained IF'er. Now that I'm at a true fertility center that actually diagnoses its patients, as opposed to the old place that just treated me, I'm likely to find out that there's something really wrong with me. Even this has its pros and cons.

Everything has them lately, right? I can find arguments for and against pretty much any topic you throw at me these days. There is but one exception.

The pros are pretty obvious. A proper diagnosis will lead me and my RE down a more targeted path and we'll be able to focus on the actual problem. No duh.

But on the con side, having an actual diagnosis will mean that I'm probably not going to wind up pregnant on my own, and that I'm damaged goods. And he might even tell me that I'll need donor eggs or that I can't have children, or who knows what.

These kinds of panicked, over-stimulated imaginings are so bad. So they'll stop for now. More later after my appointment...

Way too many thoughts for one post, but here we go

So I posted for the first time on an infertility board at resolve.org and so far seems to be a great spot to waste some work time. I posted on a discussion about being in the 2ww, because of course, I am in it myself.

I'm 3 dpIUI and the time is absolutely dragging. My friends P and C are coming to town and that will be a huge help to take my mind off things (although P is pregnant after ZERO months of trying...literally). Thankfully she's super sensitive about my IF and I feel like, maybe as a result, I've been shockingly mature and calm when it comes to her pregnancy....

Ok, fine. When she initially told me, I held it together sort of, saying, "Wow that's so cool" over and over about a hundred times. MERCIFULLY our phone connection died and I will admit that I didn't (couldn't) answer when she tried calling me back.

Because I was crying hysterically. I sort of pulled myself together to finish out the work day and went to my cousin's for dinner, in kind of a daze and then when I finally got home, collapsed into W's arms sobbing once again.

I woke up the next morning with a new attitude and am very happy for her.

Bitch.

But that's not what this post is really about - I POSTED ON AN INFERTILITY BOARD! Why is this such a big deal? I don't know, except perhaps that it means I am resigning myself to being part of this big group? Three and a half years later, it shouldn't be so hard to do, but I've always felt like it was temporary and would go away at some point.

Now I'm a total convert. Why did it take me so long? It is so nice to know that there are other people going through exactly what I am. I read one post today that I could have written myself.

Before I head back to the boards...

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow to talk about the results from my CCCT. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hear bad things about my ovaries. He's already told me they're small. Stay tuned.

"Pressure"

I cried today during acupuncture. Each little pinprick definitely hurt more than usual (although Portia, my acupuncturist, was calling in "pressure" as opposed to pain). To make matters worse, she kept squeezing this spot just below my knee, despite noting that it was causing me serious discomfort. I don't think it was the pain that actually caused the tears - it was the fact that I had to get up early on a Saturday just to endure said pain in order to (hopefully) become pregnant. So frustrating.

Hoping the Beginning is Really the End

First a word on the layout of this blog. Blogger gives you the choice of a few templates and there were cute pastel ones and a pink one and a happy green one. On first glance, I was sort of drawn to them. But then I saw this one - all black and severe and it was clearly the way to go. I don't feel pastel or pink or happy. I feel tired and gloomy and sick of counting my Vicious Cycle of Cycles.

Technically, W and I have been trying to conceive pretty much since our wedding night. It's shocking to believe that it's now four (calendar, anyway) years later and NOTHING. Admittedly, we went in kind of blind, I suppose just assuming that it would happen on its own without us having to do anything special. Then at my cousin's urging I went to see fertility "specialists" in the spring of 2005. Diagnosis wasn't too intense, aside from asking me about my cycle and doing an HSG. The HSG found a small polyp that may or may not have been blocking a tube. It was removed with a hysteroscopy and then I started in on the Clomid. In all I did eight rounds of Clomid. Only one was with IUI, and no one explained to me that Clomid decreases cervical fluid, essentially halting eager sperm in their tracks. I could have asked, but I didn't know what to ask. Why not?

Because I felt pressure by the universal advice to not put any pressure on myself. To "not think about it" Anyone going through this knows that in no way is that a possibility. It's mean to suggest even, because the trying not to think about trying to conceive can be, in my experience, anyway, the most trying part of it all! There is SO much information out there. Some helpful, some hopeful and some of-crap-full. It's hard to know what to believe and it's daunting to think about trying to learn it all. Our rather passive approach continued through early 2006. We had decided to move to San Francisco, and during the remodel of our house and our subsequent cross-country move, we (sort of) stopped focusing on the trying.

On February 23 I visited Pacific Fertility Center, here in SF for my initial visit. In 10 minutes my doctor had more information for me than 14+ months at the old place. I have smallish ovaries that aren't producing as many follicles as they should. Not none, but not a lot. I'm currently slated for Clomid Challenge Test for further diagnosis, concurrent with an IUI in my next cycle, which should start on or around 3/11. I'm also working with an acupuncturist, drinking her herbs and letting her stick me with needles twice a week.

I'm thinking of this new treatment as a new beginning. But I really hope it's just the end.