A picture is worth a thousand gut punches

So we're back from our vacation and even though we had a fabulous time, I am always glad to come home. I'll post more pics in the next couple of days but in the meantime, here's one of my cousin and I in between swims. Trip highlights included:

• amazing weather
• perfect lake temperature
• my best golf round EVER (including a chip-in birdie!)
• a beautiful wedding with free-flowing basil mojitos
• a hassle-free trip home

The only hitch in my personal giddyup is that my friend had her baby today. I'd been waiting all week for news, since she was due on 7/29. I had a feeling that although I've been ok with her pregnancy, I would not be as able to handle her actual parenthood.

I was right. Her husband sent two sweet pics of lil Zoe which I cooed appropriately over, and I scrolled down to the last picture which was my friend holding her with her husband smooshing his face into the two of them. Possibly it was a nice picture, but I couldn't really look at it and I closed the email immediately.

This is my best friend. Her first baby. And I can't even look at the picture. Somehow the baby by herself is one thing, but together with her mom is too much. Ugh. I emailed back saying she should just call me whenever she's ready, but I forgot about the fact that I might not be ready. I need to write out a list of questions or something for when she does call - any suggestions?

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So far nothing to report on the bcp's. No side effects or anything. I got a lovely call halfway through our trip from the RE's office reminding me that we owe them nearly four grand for the next cycle. WTF happened to the buy-one-get-one plan?? Well, ICSI and lab fees and all sorts of other crapola mean we owe more. I should have known. There's no such thing as a free IVF (for those with shitty insurance, anyway). I also need to order my meds, which I'm sure will be more than last time. Goodbye house downpayment savings... Nice knowin' ya...

Thanks back atcha

Twenty-four hours* after suggesting that my friend should be thanking me for her good fortune, I’ve decided it’s I who should be thanking her.

I think this announcement (or really, my reaction to it) has helped me get to the point where I‘m ready to accept the idea of donor eggs.

When I think or hear about pregnancies or babies, the thing that always gets to me is picturing them holding their tiny baby. Knowing that they’re going to hold one and I’m not is what really hurts. I don’t picture myself doing a DNA test on the baby or staring at it in hopes that it looks like me. I just envision W and living our lives with our tiny new friend as a part of it.

The feeling that washed over me as I came to this realization was both intense and peaceful. And slightly scary. I told W about it and by doing so have potentially committed myself to having a non-biologically related child. (Of course I told him that I reserve the right to change my mind at any point!)

But most important is that I've hopefully made it easier (and faster) to Have. A. Baby.

I'm trying hard to stay positive about my upcoming cycle, as well as the current DIY attempt. I really want to give it my all and be as prepared as possible for success. So often in life I find myself looking ahead to the next thing. Whether it be the next page of a book, the next boutique in a line of shops, or now the next treatment in this vicious cycle of cycles. I constantly struggle to make myself live in the now. It's never because I'm unhappy where I am - I don't know if it's ADHD or just general flightiness, but it's something I have to work on all the time.

Staying in the now over the next two months will be a huge test. I made a similar mistake during my last IUI - mentally moving on to what I thought of then as the GrandDaddy of infertility - IVF. I know now that the likelihood of the IUI working was pretty slim, but I should have stayed with it more than I did.

Now, although my chances are below average, there is a very real chance of success with this IVF cycle. We'll know a lot more when we see how many eggs there are and how well they respond to ICSI. If that turns out ok, then we're back to average chances. I hate to say it, but for me, at this stage of my IF, average is rockin'!

This time I'll be armed with a diligent curiosity so I will be able to be "in it" realistically. The key will be keeping myself in it, no matter how bleak reality might seem.

This post was supposed to be about the peace and calm I experienced after figuring out that I'm ok with and ready for donor eggs. It's now two days since I started the post and the peace and calm is still present, and if anything getting stronger. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

*I started this post a while back. Damn work!

Mind Over Menses

I don’t know if I mentioned in an earlier post that W has a trip planned that could have potentially conflicted with our retrieval assuming two big “ifs” came together to spite me. IF my period came a few days late and IF I responded poorly to stims and had to stay on them longer than normal. Granted his trip is just a golf vacation with pals, but it’s an annual tradition and I would have hated asking him to delay or cancel it. (Not that I would have hesitated for a second! We all have to do things we hate sometimes. Life's hard.)

So, that is apparently not going to be an issue because my period has decided to come a week early! Early! This gives me a Lilliputian 22 day cycle for this month, which makes me wonder a little, but I’m chalking it up to the prometrium from my IUI cycle making things all screwy. I’ll have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow make sure things are all good to go and if so I start shooting myself up right away!

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On another note… I am so very honored that Sticky Bun has tagged me for a Thinking Blogger Award! The grant that I was procrastinating the other day is due today and since my ED was all cranky about not getting her draft in time, she went overboard on the edits so I will have to postpone the hoisting of the e-trophy and the tagging of five bloggers that make my mind happy until another day, but I already have some ideas…. In the meantime, Thank you Sticky! For being so nice, you get awesome weather here in SF this weekend. (I like to pretend I have control over such things.) Enjoy!

The Missionary Position

I had dinner with a friend of mine this weekend who knows that we’re trying to have a baby, but doesn’t know the extent of what we’ve been going through. The only reason she knows, actually is because the last time a group of us were together, I happened to mention I had an acupuncture appointment and another friend asked what it was for.

Annoying aside: When I decided to be honest and answered, “infertility” the friend who’d pried said, “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” WHAT? Why? Is there a big red I on my forehead? Are you able to detect withered old lady insides just by looking at me? Shut it! I was so confused and mostly pissed. How dare she make a (correct) judgment about me! Mostly, how dare she admit to making said (correct) judgment? Argh.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. So, we were having a very nice dinner. Sushi and cucumber gimlets and lots of laughs. My friend tells me that she and her new husband (since June) talking about trying to “reproduce.” She goes on and on about how they’re waiting until such and such month because his business has a very distinct busy season and they want to time it just right to miss it.

Oh my god! Why didn’t we think of timing it this way? Let’s see, if start trying in 2003, then we should be able to go through the year or so of ignorant attempts, all the requisite tests, treatments, heartache, emotional psychodrama and of course the hot flashes and then deliver sometime in early to mid 2008. Sweet! Planning is fun.

Back to my delusional friend… After I choked on my dragon roll, I had to pause. Part of me wanted to laugh at her obvious ignorance, but another part wanted to cry. Because you know what? That bitch (she won’t mind) will probably do it. Go off the pill, light a candle, dim the lights and BAM...BFP.

This is where the Missionary bit comes in. I hope it came out more smoothly than I remember, but I think the first thing I said, after, “Yay, that’s great!” was “I’m doing IVF.” I think I might have Infertourrettes. I wish this wasn’t so, but I said it to scare her. Like, “Your planning is cute and all, but get real. You’re 33, not 23, you're 6 feet tall and weigh a measly 110 pounds (see? Bitch!) and it’s not going to be as easy as you think.”

This happens to me a lot. I feel the need to use myself as an example to spread the word that getting pregnant is not easy. It seems like every book I read or website I check out is chock full of information that would have been so much more helpful a few years ago. I recently foisted Taking Charge of Your Fertility on a friend who had told me she and her husband are just thinking about trying. Does this happen to anyone else? If so, I found a great new shopping site. :) I just feel like I want my friends to know all the things I didn’t.

Of course this could backfire if my preaching actually gets through to them and they get knocked up before I do. Hmmm…maybe I should shut up.

Information Overload

Go vegan!

Eat a high protein diet!

Get some exercise!

Don't exercise!

Do yoga!

Relax!

Focus!

High fat!

Low fat!

You're fat!

Jesus effin' Christ there is a lot of information out there. Information may be too kind a word. "Advice" I guess. But when it's published in a book that's available at my trusty library, it does kinda feel like information, ya know?

So I'm anxiously awaiting my phone consult with my RE tomorrow to talk about when I can start my IVF cycle. This will be my first, and we've got a few travel dates to work around, but I'm hoping we can start right away. I'm just starting my third month of acupuncture and herbs so most likely I'll have completed my "magic number" three months of TCM treatment just in time for IVF.

I got my period today, and it came on like a Mack truck. I guess that might be good so it will come and go fairly quickly, but writhing in pain is so much better at home on the couch. Doing it here at my desk is the pits. Another positive is that I can talk to my RE in real terms and not be waiting for my next CD 1.

(Insert your own eloquent transition here)

A friend of mine gave me "The Infertility Cure" and said that it really put her mind at ease and she attributes her pregnancy to it. This is the same friend w/ 2 sessions of acupuncture, some Clomid and BAM, knocked up! (That's not really fair, she was trying for a while, just nothing medical aside from the Clomid.)

Reading this book, really makes me wish I had time to try doing it all naturally. It sounds so nice to use food and herbs and acu to get my body working correctly, but with my recent diagnosis I just don't think it's a good idea. I just wish we got this information earlier in life rather than when I'm being threatened with eggstinction.

Unfortunately the book's not putting me at ease like it did my friend. The author tends to knock Western IF treatments a little. Not always unfairly, but for those who don't feel like they have the option to go all natural, it can feel kind of insulting.

Insults aside, I'm heading off to the local organic grocery to get my lunch today. Of all the information I've gotten, going organic is one that I can't find an argument against.

Going vegan? That's just crazytalk.

Sweet, sweet ignorance

Well, another friend of mine is pregnant. She has been ttc for a while, so it wasn't as frustrating as when it happens like magic for those Fertile Myrtles (I'm looking at you P!), but it was a bit of a blow. Is it wrong to be envious because she didn't go through any serious IF treatments? She took some Clomid, she had a couple acupuncture sessions...that was it. When I told her about my most recent IUI she said, "Is that the turkey baster thing?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be insulting. I'm just jealous of her ignorance. And her 16 week old pregnancy. (Not in that order)

I knew she was pg because we are going to see each other this weekend (after not having seen each other in about 6 months) and although we don't chat on the phone much (this has no bearing on our closeness, I swear!) she left me a message on Sunday saying she's looking forward to hanging out, but that I should call her back.

So I knew. Part of me wanted to not call her, but I did. I am happy for her, I swear, but do kind of wish I didn't have to hang out with TWO pregnant beotches this weekend. Along with another couple that just has their children at will. Awesome.

If only I could drink. Damn you 2ww!!!!!!!!!

Way too many thoughts for one post, but here we go

So I posted for the first time on an infertility board at resolve.org and so far seems to be a great spot to waste some work time. I posted on a discussion about being in the 2ww, because of course, I am in it myself.

I'm 3 dpIUI and the time is absolutely dragging. My friends P and C are coming to town and that will be a huge help to take my mind off things (although P is pregnant after ZERO months of trying...literally). Thankfully she's super sensitive about my IF and I feel like, maybe as a result, I've been shockingly mature and calm when it comes to her pregnancy....

Ok, fine. When she initially told me, I held it together sort of, saying, "Wow that's so cool" over and over about a hundred times. MERCIFULLY our phone connection died and I will admit that I didn't (couldn't) answer when she tried calling me back.

Because I was crying hysterically. I sort of pulled myself together to finish out the work day and went to my cousin's for dinner, in kind of a daze and then when I finally got home, collapsed into W's arms sobbing once again.

I woke up the next morning with a new attitude and am very happy for her.

Bitch.

But that's not what this post is really about - I POSTED ON AN INFERTILITY BOARD! Why is this such a big deal? I don't know, except perhaps that it means I am resigning myself to being part of this big group? Three and a half years later, it shouldn't be so hard to do, but I've always felt like it was temporary and would go away at some point.

Now I'm a total convert. Why did it take me so long? It is so nice to know that there are other people going through exactly what I am. I read one post today that I could have written myself.

Before I head back to the boards...

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow to talk about the results from my CCCT. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hear bad things about my ovaries. He's already told me they're small. Stay tuned.