Eddie & Erin, BFF

Yesterday afternoon I went to LabC0rp to pee in a cup for the drug test required for my new job. I'm pregnant, so this should be easy as pie, right?

Um...no. I purposely didn't go to the loo before heading to the lab, and once I got all the directions and the little cup from Edward, my lab tech, I was more than psyched for the opportunity to "go" for it.

Except I couldn't! I did pee a little, but because the receptacle was so narrow, most of it missed. So I waited, sure that more was to come. I mean these days I pee about every 6.7 minutes, so it wouldn't be long!

Or so I thought. Finally, Edward comes and knocks on the door to ask if I'm ok. Humiliating! (Of course, he was probably thinking I'm somehow swapping out my smack filled urine with the "clean" sample I snuck in or something, but honestly I haven't taken any fun drugs in YEARS!)

So, I'm forced to admit my failure and shamefully emerge from the room with my 1.2 millileters of pee. He tells me to drink some water and try again in 20 minutes. So I do.

Was my luck any better this time around? Nope! Almost nothing comes out. It was so freakin' frustrating! After my second flop Edward tells me just to come back the next day. Just what I wanted to hear. Ugh!

When I turned up this morning, Eddie (I mean, at this point we're pals, right?) yells out from the back, "Oh, is that Erin? Come on back and try again!" This gets me more than one odd look from the other people in the waiting room.

I had pounded a huge glass of water before leaving home, but do you think I could put any of it into that motherfucking teeny ass cannister? No. Well, not much. Not enough to make it to the minimum line, anyway.

Holy cripes. Now I'm embarassed, frustrated and starting to wonder just what the eff is wrong with me. I skulk back out the waiting room, have 4 more glasses of water and read my book. Eddie then brings me a glass of warm water, and I laugh thinking of that old slumber party trick, but no - he wants me to drink it. I do, and wait, and finally I told him I'm ready, but that I think the small cannister is what's getting to me. I think the eensy weensy target was messing with my head.

Magically Eddie provides me with a giant Solo-beer-keg-esque kind of cup. Now we're talking! I head right into the bathroom and thankfully am able to march out triumphantly head (and plentiful urine sample) held high.

Eddie's reasoning for not offering the bigger cup from the very beginning is that it doesn't have a lid and he doesn't want to smell the pee. From a man who spends his entire day handling urine sample cups (with plenty of pee on the OUTSIDE), flushing the toilet for people post-sample, and generally working in the nastiest smelling office I've ever had the displeasure of visiting twice in 24 hours this seemed a bit finicky. Now, this could be because I'd spent way too much time in said stank ass office, and I was peeved (ha!) that this easy solution hadn't been presented sooner.

So, after much hullabaloo, all's finally well in the drug test department. Thanks to the 8 million liters of water I drank, I've been peeing even more than usual today. Good thing, because other than that, I've got NOTHING TO DO at this temp job. Nada. So insane. I arrived late today and took a two hour lunch with my cousin and no one had a clue! That's certainly nice, but for the many, many hours in between, it is SO BORING. Only one more day to go and then I'm taking next week off.