GO HEALTH!

These last few posts of mine are pretty bleak. Maybe not without reason, but it's time for a change.

First, a mini WTF. I’ve got an appointment with my RE next Monday to talk about what might have gone wrong last cycle and how we can make it better for the next one. I emailed my IVF coordinator today to ask her if I could see my chart before the appointment and apparently there’s some huge rigmarole about sending in a signed release, which she thinks might take a while and yadda yadda yadda. I have to release the records to MYSELF? So I emailed back to see if I could just come in and look at it some time before the appointment. We’ll see how that request goes. Does it seem unreasonable to want to look at my chart before meeting with my doctor?

Anyway.

I’m feeling better after a really, really hard day.* It was way worse than I ever expected, but I think I’ve turned a corner (ew – Bushism!) and am feeling ready to deal with whatever comes next.

So…what’s next, then? Probably two months of DIY (one RE-mandated, one vacation-mandated). I’ll keep up with acupuncture and try to more strictly adhere to my acupuncturist’s diet and lifestyle suggestions. No dairy, no coffee and no cold drinks! Kind of harsh in the summer, but as we have to say to ourselves over and over, “It will be worth it once I end up pregnant.”

I am constantly amazed at how much I’m - and even more how much my fellow bloggers are - willing to put ourselves through. I know, believe me, I know, that the end result absolutely will be worth it, but I do wonder if I have a limit. Giving up ice cream and iced coffee over the summer is minor (sort of!), but won’t all these small concessions add up at some point? What if I just hit a wall? I’m really not very far along in my infertility journey, experience-wise, and I’m not feeling like I’m anywhere near the wall, but it really does loom out there in front of me.

For now though, I’m just going to focus on getting my brain and body ready for next time. It seems like the entire blogosphere is kicking off summer with a renewed fitness plan and I’m going to do the same. I went running today after work for the first time in a while and it felt so good! There was sweat, there was huffing, there was puffing. I set up these trackers to monitor how far I run and walk. They’re kind of dorky looking and I don’t really have a goal in mind for miles per week or month, but I just want to feel the need to update them frequently in a semi-public place. Gmaps-pedometer is the BOMB if you’re interested in tracking your travels.

I also ordered a new yoga dvd and replenished my wheatgrass supplement supplies today. GO HEALTH!

*My hard day was nothing like Suzy’s. She says she’s going away for a while, but I know she could use our support.

Ok, the lab finally found my blood and confirmed the BFN. On to the next. But probably not for a month or two. Thanks for all the kind words. It definitely helps.

"Stat?" We thought you said "Whenever the fuck we want"

How can people in this industry not understand the emotional toll that their work (or in this case, the lack thereof) takes on us? Isn't it reasonable to expect people handling bloodwork to know that they're some kind of urgency to it no matter what it's being tested for? If there are potentially irregular levels of ANYTHING floating around in a person's blood, THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT LIKE NOW.

I go into my trusty Quest Diagnostics this morning, where I have been on many mornings in the last couple of months. The lab tech is late, as always so I pace outside, thinking, why am I even here? The blinding white on my hpt has told the tale. Finally she shows up at 8:15, jabs me in the arm like old times, and tells me that since my RE said "stat" the results will be ready in 4 hours. So now it's 2:30 and my RE's office just called to ask if I went in for the test. Um...YES. They then called the lab and apparently there's no record of my motherfucking blood anywhere. The nurse just said, "Keep taking the meds you're on and we'll let you know as soon as we hear something." As if I might not hear anything until tomorrow.

Sweet jesus, I don't think I can wait another day for this. The practical side of me is ready for it to just be over so we can start making plans for the next cycle. The impractical, stupid, can't-let-it-go-asshole, Tinkerbell, Pollyanna side of me went to IVFConnections and saw that 12% of people in their unbelievably informal and unscientific poll had negative hpt's 11dp3dt and went on to have BFPs. So now I've let that beotch Hope creep back in.

I've got to know something by tonight because I'm meeting a friend for dinner and would either like to bask quietly in my pg-ness, or get stinking fucking drunk. At this rate it looks like I'll be stewing miserably over a Pellegrino.

Not this time

My hpt was negative this morning. I'm going for my beta in a little while. Not holding out much (read: any) hope. This sucks.

May Tomorrow Never Come

I know that's a weird post title for someone whose beta is tomorrow, but honestly there's this small part of me that wants to just stay right here in the 2ww. Here I can imagine the IVF worked and think about names and where we'll put the crib and how we'll tell our parents. Here I can have hope. What if tomorrow the hope is turned to despair? W has decided it worked and is already totally excited. It's so hard to temper my own enthusiasm.

I've got about 15 hours left until the ceremonial stick-peeage. "Hope"fully the results will allow me to keep the hope alive, because I'm pretty scared about how a no will hit me.

I am

Firstly, I am sick and tired of putting this off, so here goes!

I am a wife, a daughter and a sister, in that order, and I am so lucky to have the most wonderful husband, mom, and brother on the planet.

I am kind of a chatterbox 1-on-1, but in groups tend to clam up. That's one reason this blog has been such a great thing for me. I feel like I'm 1-on-1, but with a group of great supporters.

I am not career-driven and am not ashamed. Although I'm not 100% sure I could do the full-time Mommy thing, I'd sure like a crack at it.

I am pretty damn funny, but probably make jokes a little too much sometimes.

I am happiest when hanging out with just W and our pooch (and eventually I hope to include some offspring!). Sometimes when we're hanging out in bed on a Sunday morning or on the couch, I envision a little baby with us. I try to avoid doing so, but it does happen...

I am still reconciling myself with being infertile after 3 ½ years. (see pathetic visualizations above)

I am a grammar snob and wish that I could rid the world of ill-used quotation marks. I'm sorry but I'm not going to order "Shrimp" Fried Rice. I'm just not. Nor will I attend your yard sale with "TONS" of "GREAT" stuff. Sounds like a small pile of shit to me. I warmly welcome alerts to any grammatical improprieties in my blog or elsewhere.

I am usually very independent, but sometimes relish the chance to depend on W. He rocks.

I am a really good sleeper.

I am constantly planning. Not necessarily Blackberry, calendar style planning, but more like planning out the evening, or my use of Tivo, or what I might say next, or my route to work. It's kind of OCD-ish now that I'm thinking about it.

I am planning to see someone about my very recently self-diagnosed OCD.

I am 7dp3dt and it's friggin' killing me.

I am not a poet.

Pains and Posterity

I've been trying really hard not to constantly think about potential early symptoms and for the most part have been successful. But today I'm having some weird cramp-y type things. They're quick, sharp jabs in my lower abdomen and are making themselves fairly hard to ignore. The thing is, I never get cramps before AF. It's always about half a day in when the cramps start. So I can't believe I'm actually blogging this, since it's early and the pains are fairly minor, but I really feel like it's a good sign. And it really is a good sign, I'll be happy to have recorded it for posterity. (My First Pregnancy Symptom!)

Of course if isn't a good sign, then I will probably have to come back and delete this delusional post.

If only I was a better temp-keeper so I'd have something more solid to go out. It certainly worked for Bumble!! Please go give her your congrats. That little Sureshot really lived up to his name!