Life at the Crystal Palace

So today was my first day of unemployment and I have to say I am not all that good at it. As much as I really would love to be independently wealthy and not reliant on The Man for a salary, I don't know if I'd be any good at not working. I think it would be way different if there was a baby or two in the mix. They would certainly help fill the time, I imagine.

To ensure poor use of my time off I woke up hungover today. It was W's fault. We made up a new (kind of ghetto) cocktail of Bombay and Crystal Light, named the Crystal Palace in honor of the nasty, plastic bottled, $4 gin his parents get, and he messed with the proportions a bit in celebration of my unemployment. I guess I should own it a little, too since I chose to have 3 of them. Yeah, three. They were so good! And practically calorie-free! It was loads of giggly fun last night, but this morning not so much. I had interviews at two temp agencies and I just don't think I was at my best. Luckily to a temp recruiter if you can string a sentence together and don't drool much during the interview they think you're the second coming. Of course they make you take a typing test and thanks to the lingering affects and the early hour I might as well have used my feet. Oh well, I'm not looking for a job in the typing pool, so I'm ok with it.

Later I hit the beach with Bella and took our car to the self-wash place that I love so. There's something about that foamy brush that makes me happy. I had plans to grocery shop and be generally housewifely, but that didn't really work out so well. In fact, slacker that I am, we ended up going out to dinner. Aren't I supposed to make meatloaves or wrap myself in saran wrap or something? I'll keep working on it...

Somehow last night, in my boozy bliss I remembered to take my last bcp. AF never did arrive, but I'm guessing she'll show up very soon. Fine and dandy, I'm headed in for my baseline on Saturday, so I'm happy to get this show on the road!

I got all my meds and can officially recommend ivfmeds.com from England. They were so nice, and way cheaper. I got Pureg0n instead of Foll!stim, but nun pee is prob'ly nun pee, right? Hopefully he Pureg0n needles are as smooth like butta as Foll!stim - they were so easy (and useless) last time!

Not much else to update. I'm kind of in mini limbo for now. I'm really anxious to see some results from the acupuncture, herbs, wheatgrass and dhea. Of course if I do have a good response, how will I know what worked? I guess I don't care, right? My face is breaking out like crazy on my forehead, which is weird for me, so maybe the dhea is kicking in. There better be some good reason for this teenage drama 20 years too late.

Holy crap, twenty years? I might need another Crystal Palace.

Saturday Freak Out - Now with Less Freakiness

Ok, yesterday I was having some major boob soreness, which I just sort of attributed to the bcp. Then late last night I started to have some brown spotting like I do before my period. Usually this lasts a few - up to four or five days. BCP aside, this is only CD12. Never in my life have I had a two week cycle. They've always been irregularly regular at 26-31 days. Of course the cycle right before my first IVF was only 22 or 23 days long. Does my body love getting those injections so much that it's hurrying things along this time too?

But seriously - isn't it weird to be getting my period while taking bcp? I've only been taking it for 10 days and only have four more to go.

I am so friggin' confused and freaking out a bit. Any ideas anyone? I've got a call into my RE's office, but they haven't called back. My drugs don't arrive until next Wednesday or Thursday because I ordered them from bloody (no pun intended) old England.

Ugh - I was so looking forward to a nice weekend before the madness starts up again and now I have this to worry about.

**UPDATE**

I've now heard from my RE's office as well as quite a few commenters (THANK YOU!) that this is pretty normal. I'm supposed to just let it flow and show up for my baseline as planned next Saturday.

IVF #2 already?

I guess I'd always hoped that I wouldn't need to qualify the term IVF with a number, but it's looking like the case. It certainly does help keep things organized, though.

Anyway, Numero Dos has been sort of this abstract idea all summer, so it's hard to believe it's finally here, but now that I'm on bcp it's definitely getting real. I ordered my meds this morning and have my calendar all ready. I'm trying to keep a lid on it, but I'm getting kind of excited again. Of course I'm not so excited about the six-plus shots a day I'll be taking, but I think just being proactive again has got me all giddy. Also I like collecting information and organizing calendars (weird for someone who's really not all that organized in life) so getting all my protocol info gave me an excuse to calendar-and-spreadsheet-it-up a bit. Geek!!

So my protocol looks like this:

BCP through 8/15
Baseline 8/18 and if all is ok, I'll take my evening shot of microdose lupr0n that night.
The next day I add in the stims, so each morning I'll take 3 shots:
10iu lupr0n
225iu foll1stim
75iu repr0nex

and then each evening I'll do it all over again! In fact sometimes it could be more than 3 shots. My coordinator suggested I buy the foll1stim in the 300iu cartridges (rather than 600) because the overflow is the same amount (about 120iu) in every size, so I'll save a little money by getting 12 overflows rather than 6. but probably have to take a few multiple shots to get my dose in. Who knows how much it will really save, but any money saved at this point is a good thing. Especially given the fact that I QUIT MY JOB! AND I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER ONE!*

I'll also continue taking dhea and wheatgrass and although I won't be drinking those delicious herbs once I start stimming, I will have acu three times during the middle week of my stims. That's a whole lot. Last time she used the electrostatic (?) stimulator which was in a word, weird. She thought she'd done it before with me, so had it all hooked up, and casually said to me (while I'm laying face down) "Ok, I'm going to turn on the electro..." "WHAT?" I yelped, yanking up my head, which was of course stuck to that little piece of paper that's supposed to keep things all hygienic, and probably messing up all the needles. Once she explained it to me and I could feel it working I wasn't so freaked out, but for a while there I thought I'd accidentally signed up for electroshock therapy. In the end it was fine. Just like a light tapping on my lower back. Hopefully it did the trick!

I don't get a monitoring u/s until day 7 of stims, which is a little odd (although Amy R has the same thing happening). I'm guessing that since I'm on the max dose of meds, there's no real reason to check in any sooner? Who knows. It's fine with me because the fewer opportunities I have to obsess over follicle counts and sizes, the better! Not that I won't do it on my own.

Anyway, I've got some excitement and hope brewin'. I will try my best to keep them both to a minimum by remembering the complete and utter meltdown I had last time, but I don't know if I can do it. Come along with me?


*So, I didn't get into it too much in my blog, but I HATED this job. I've been working in nonprofits for way too long and am so over it. I kind of knew that going in when I took the job in January, but stupidly I thought this would be different. Nope. So I've decided to head back into the "real world" and hopefully make some decent money. I'm going to temp a bit to get a feel for what type of company or which industry suits me best. It's also good timing because if I happen to be not working while I'm going through the transfer, etc, that's definitely not a bad thing! My last day is next Wednesday and I am pumped!!! Between this and my new IVF cycle, so far August is a banner month! I just hope September is even better. I mean, it has to work this time, right?

A picture is worth a thousand gut punches

So we're back from our vacation and even though we had a fabulous time, I am always glad to come home. I'll post more pics in the next couple of days but in the meantime, here's one of my cousin and I in between swims. Trip highlights included:

• amazing weather
• perfect lake temperature
• my best golf round EVER (including a chip-in birdie!)
• a beautiful wedding with free-flowing basil mojitos
• a hassle-free trip home

The only hitch in my personal giddyup is that my friend had her baby today. I'd been waiting all week for news, since she was due on 7/29. I had a feeling that although I've been ok with her pregnancy, I would not be as able to handle her actual parenthood.

I was right. Her husband sent two sweet pics of lil Zoe which I cooed appropriately over, and I scrolled down to the last picture which was my friend holding her with her husband smooshing his face into the two of them. Possibly it was a nice picture, but I couldn't really look at it and I closed the email immediately.

This is my best friend. Her first baby. And I can't even look at the picture. Somehow the baby by herself is one thing, but together with her mom is too much. Ugh. I emailed back saying she should just call me whenever she's ready, but I forgot about the fact that I might not be ready. I need to write out a list of questions or something for when she does call - any suggestions?

***********

So far nothing to report on the bcp's. No side effects or anything. I got a lovely call halfway through our trip from the RE's office reminding me that we owe them nearly four grand for the next cycle. WTF happened to the buy-one-get-one plan?? Well, ICSI and lab fees and all sorts of other crapola mean we owe more. I should have known. There's no such thing as a free IVF (for those with shitty insurance, anyway). I also need to order my meds, which I'm sure will be more than last time. Goodbye house downpayment savings... Nice knowin' ya...

...All I Ever Wanted

Well, in just a few short hours I'm hopping on a red-eye and will be winging it toward VACATION! I am so ready for this. Lake swimming, row boating and book reading. Ahhhhh....

We have to bring W's laptop so he can stay connected to work, but I am going to try to avoid the internets if at all possible. (It's not. I'm addicted. When I got pulled over in a car chase the other night my Blood-Internet Level was well over the legal limit and they found a wireless card in my pocket. But I swear they weren't my pants! I guess I shouldn't have taken off that internet-detecting anklet.) That last bit will seem a bit weird if you don't follow celebutard gossip. I do. No shame in my game.

Anyway, I will try to limit my time online over the next week or so and when I return I'll be on bcp. I should leave room for the very unlikely possibility that rather than being on the pill, I'll be pregnant, so I will, but I'm not counting on it.

BUT, speaking of pregnant ladies, skedaddle over to visit Miss Sticky-Bun who is living up to her name! Woo hoo!

Thanks back atcha

Twenty-four hours* after suggesting that my friend should be thanking me for her good fortune, I’ve decided it’s I who should be thanking her.

I think this announcement (or really, my reaction to it) has helped me get to the point where I‘m ready to accept the idea of donor eggs.

When I think or hear about pregnancies or babies, the thing that always gets to me is picturing them holding their tiny baby. Knowing that they’re going to hold one and I’m not is what really hurts. I don’t picture myself doing a DNA test on the baby or staring at it in hopes that it looks like me. I just envision W and living our lives with our tiny new friend as a part of it.

The feeling that washed over me as I came to this realization was both intense and peaceful. And slightly scary. I told W about it and by doing so have potentially committed myself to having a non-biologically related child. (Of course I told him that I reserve the right to change my mind at any point!)

But most important is that I've hopefully made it easier (and faster) to Have. A. Baby.

I'm trying hard to stay positive about my upcoming cycle, as well as the current DIY attempt. I really want to give it my all and be as prepared as possible for success. So often in life I find myself looking ahead to the next thing. Whether it be the next page of a book, the next boutique in a line of shops, or now the next treatment in this vicious cycle of cycles. I constantly struggle to make myself live in the now. It's never because I'm unhappy where I am - I don't know if it's ADHD or just general flightiness, but it's something I have to work on all the time.

Staying in the now over the next two months will be a huge test. I made a similar mistake during my last IUI - mentally moving on to what I thought of then as the GrandDaddy of infertility - IVF. I know now that the likelihood of the IUI working was pretty slim, but I should have stayed with it more than I did.

Now, although my chances are below average, there is a very real chance of success with this IVF cycle. We'll know a lot more when we see how many eggs there are and how well they respond to ICSI. If that turns out ok, then we're back to average chances. I hate to say it, but for me, at this stage of my IF, average is rockin'!

This time I'll be armed with a diligent curiosity so I will be able to be "in it" realistically. The key will be keeping myself in it, no matter how bleak reality might seem.

This post was supposed to be about the peace and calm I experienced after figuring out that I'm ok with and ready for donor eggs. It's now two days since I started the post and the peace and calm is still present, and if anything getting stronger. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

*I started this post a while back. Damn work!

How do I love W?

Let me count the million trajillion ways. But first I'll tell you about just one of them. He's home on his first day off in over a month, weekends included, and he just im'd me to see if I need anything from the fridge because he's planning to clean it out. Fucking all-star, I tell you!

I'm at work and sick, sick, sick as a dog which sucks. Somehow having a cold in the winter is ok. You eat soup, drink tea, cuddle up on the sofa.... In the summer it's the pits. I'm physically fighting the urge to Costanza-it under my desk for a few minutes. Wah wah wah me.

It's CD 3, so urban legend baby didn't make an appearance this time around. May have had something to do with W working until 2 am most nights. (And when he managed to get home somewhat early he was working away with his laptop on his...wait for it....LAP! I couldn't really tell him to stop because he was working on a crazy deadline, but from now on I will be vigilant. (But not mean or anything. I mean he IS cleaning out the fridge!)

Happy Happy to all the BFP's out there. I'm hope this roll continues all summer long!