Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Fuck You, Bob

Is it wrong if watching a grandmother sing the B0b the Builder song/slogan to her grandson fills me with rage?

Even if the grandmother is my own mom and the grandson is my step sister’s adorable son?

First of all, if I’m going to be totally self-centered, that one line: “Can we do it? Yes! We! Can!” bugs.

Can I do IT? The one thing I want? No I fucking can’t. So there’s that. But also, I just get worried that my mom is going to use up all her grandmothery mojo on my stepsibs’ various broods.

So this internally rage-inducing, but on the surface tender moment happened on Father’s Day at my mom’s house and caused me to down 3 Coronas in record speed. Seriously, I should have been in a chugalug contest. I was just rapt, watching them and sucking down beers. It was just so bittersweet seeing my mom playing with the little guy. They all love her to death. I worry that by the time she gets to meet our kids she’ll be over the whole thing. Not that she won’t love them to bits too, but all the newness of it will be gone. I’m the oldest in my (bio)family. I was supposed to give her the first grandkids. Me Me Me!! I would never have thought about any of this before, but then seeing her with those kids, watching them all run to kiss and hug her and call her Nana or Grandma E*****, listening to her expound on sleep habits or food likes and dislikes…it all SUCKS.

And until lately I’d been holding onto the notion that at least I’d give her her first biologically related grandkid. Well, recent RE appointments suggest otherwise. Plus this wouldn’t even matter to my mom, since she’s adopted herself. So I have nothing new to offer her. She’s even been through IF with my oldest step sister. She ended up going the DE route, and again, amazing kids, so my mom’s right on that train with Dr. Pig. With her lack of bio-ties, and her experience with great DE kids, she just doesn’t see the point in going through more heartache just for the kid to have my evil sense of humor and general dislike for people…uh, I mean my eyes and my love of books.

I hate to think that I’m at the point where I need to avoid family gatherings. My mom would hate that, and in the long run, so would I. But it is so fucking painful sometimes.


Sticky Bun said...

I so hear you on the newness thing. I definitely have it in the back of my mind that the "newness" will have worn out by the time...well, by the time it's our turn. And, by then people will be on to the "new" fun things that the older grandkids are doing. And they won't get the individualized attention that the first ones got.

Wow...I'm so not helping. My point is only that I understand. And the thing is, I know in my heart--as I'm sure you know--that of course everyone will be as excited for us and for our kids as they have been for others. And that you are so understanding of your mom's feelings will make everything all the more special, and she'll be so appreciative of your thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

But, I really do understand what you mean. And how even the most "normal" family gathering can be painful.

I'm sorry for it all. That any of us knows IF. And, I hope very soon you will be able to watch your mom singing to your child. (But you're still allowed to get enraged at the Bob the Builder song.) :-)

thinking of you...

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry, Erin, I totally know this sibling jealousy, and I hate myself for it.

My little brother and his wife had their first baby in March and I was/am sooooo not happy (Although I love my cute little niece). I hated seeing my mum so proud, my granny so delighted. One of my friends bought my mum a new grandparent card and I had to stay out of my friends way for weeks. I was so mad (though I'm very subtle, no one would know how I feel, I'd be mortified). Mad at the whole deal.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I feel better about my feelings just knowing I'm not a bitter, twisted IF to ever feel like this. Perhaps this is just another of the oh so many parts of IF that is hard for us to admit to ourselves.

You're not alone, that any help?

Nearlydawn said...

You are sooo not alone.

My brother and his wife gave my parents their first grandchild, which is actually find by me - it was 13 years ago, and I was nowhere near ready for kids.

However, my parents are getting lots older, and I am very worried that my parents won't feel like being down-in-the-floor singing silly songs kind of people anymore. I mean, I know they'll try to be great to the kids, but they just won't be able to pull it off much longer.

I am so jealous of their time now - and I get sad with each passing month that there isn't a little one in my mom's arms to cuddle. I want my kids to know them while they are still cool.

Lassie said...

Thank goodness for the Coronas. Did you bother with lime or did you go commando?

Sarah said...

i totally know what you mean. we'll be giving my husband's parent's their 21st (!!!!) grandchild. and even though it's only the 3rd on my side, i was the oldest too, and i just never expected to be six years behind.

KarenO said...

"I’m the oldest in my (bio)family. I was supposed to give her the first grandkids. Me Me Me!!"
Wow. This could've been my sentence, I know exactly how you feel! And I'm so sorry for your pain...

Natalie said...

New here, from Stirrup Queens. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I feel like a horrible person sometimes because I find myself hoping that my BIL and SIL don't get pregnant before me. If they do.... I just don't know what I'm going to do.

6 embryos?? Yikes. Ummm. Yeah. Not.

Amy said...

I can understand your frustration. But babies can make the crustiest of persons uncrusty. Wow, such wonderful grammar on my part! Anyways, not that your mom fits that description but my point being is that no matter what, I bet your mom will totally be there for you no matter what.

Glad you were able to go swimming!!

Ann said...

I, too, hate watching my in-laws and my parents interact with my nieces. They talk about them nonstop, and all I want is for them to talk about MY children nonstop!

ellie said...

Ok, I know this one! I am the *only* one of my siblings that doesn't have kids-- and they all have between 2 -4 each. Add to it that all their kids that are within the breeding age- also ALL have at least 1 if not 2 children too. And they wonder why family gathering are rough for me. Hmm, go figure.

I hope your cycle goes well- and that you get the end result to shift the baby scale in your direction!

Ms. Planner said...

Wow E, that family gathering sounds super painful. Being around heaps of small children and seeing your mom interact with them when maybe you just needed a little comfort from her by yourself. I am so sorry you had to go through that, but the Corona chug fest sounds kind of cool.

Hang in there, sister. I can't even begin to fully understand what you are going through in deciding what your next cycle looks like, but I am thinking of you and hoping you come to the best decision for you.

Kindly, Ms. P

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I think most of us understand how painful that must be for you. I am so sorry. When my neice (the first baby in the fam) was born, my sister actually said "I'm so happy for her(the baby.) Being the first, she will always be more special than the rest." F'in OUCH!

But the truth is that all kids are special (that sounds really hokey, sorry.) A mother loves her third baby as much as the first, and I think it is the same for grandmas. It's just hard to see that when you are in the middle of all of this crap. I think yours will MORE special because of all of shit you've been through; hopefull your mom sees that too.